delicate heart

Pain rakes through my body, what little of my self worth is diminished, tears mix with red and I lie alone.  Cold. The soul I used to cling to has disappeared, I have turned a blind eye to her needs and let her starve. Without her I have nothing to grasp...nothing to pull what is left of me from the cold, dark soil.  All the light is gone, everything was once laced with an ivory glow.  My path was once lined with a moss path, sweet scents and a warm glow.  I stand facing no path...no glow...just dark branches blocking everything. 

I want to stop so much. I fall to the ground and bring my knees to my chest...let go.

Close my eyes and try to let go.  Please.

I want so badly not to feel this pain. 

As I beat the ground with defeated fist the scent of the mineral rich soil fades away. I smell roses, I smell sun and grass...I open my eyes and I am in a garden.  A small white wrought iron table is set with tea for two.  White iron roses adorn the table and the chairs, shaded by an oak. Beautiful and stoic she sits with kind eyes cast on me...I feel helpless...hopeless...disenchanted.  She reminds me crying upsets the roses and places a soft hand upon my wet cheek.  Her words are comforting and wise, I fight to believe them...to trust their truth. I stay frozen listening in the last place I have ever felt safe and protected. Saying a silent prayer so that I might never leave this place. My grandmother smooths unruly curls out of my face and with a small smile she says good bye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wake so cold...so alone...so sad and the tears start to flow. Walking in the brisk air I hear nothing, I take the steps feeling nothing, look into faces that say nothing. The blanket of winter cannot cover the scent of delicate roses, I stop to watch a bee die resting on a pink petal. 

 Time passes and my only hope is that I might make it back to that place once more.

-n

speak

waste/wāst/

Verb: Use or expend carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.

Adjective: (of a material, substance or by-product) Eliminated or discarded as no longer useful or required after the completion of a process.

Noun: An act or instance of using or expending something carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose: "it's a waste of time".

Speech is such a casual tool...it's easy to use with out realizing the utter strength and weight of each word. Reading definitions of words explains the meaning to the fullest, there is no confusing the intention.  Pain rakes through my body, what little of my self worth is diminished, tears mix with red and I 

 

Another year of watching the ponies run.  Hopefully this year they won't jump the fence free-willy style.  The weather here has been fickle to say the least, so I'm having second thoughts about a traditional big hat and thinking a smaller facinator might be the way to go.  This is one I tried on but perhaps the veil is a little much but is there really ever too much in the world of big dresses and even bigger hats??  Of course not! However I do see myself going with more of a brim, so for now the search continues.  Don't have much time, so send any ideas you may have my way!!

I know it's been a while lovelies but I'm getting back to it.

-n

Salt

 

 Feeling cool sheets on her skin she is reminded of how very alone she felt. A chill crawls down her spine as winter winds toss carelessly through the open window.  Christmas again, every year the same sad feelings and while there are moments that the overwhelmingly cheery disposition of those around her may sweep her up, the distraction last for just that, a moment.  Until she sinks back into the comforting darkness she has learned to appreciate, the same darkness that envelopes her with a sense of wanting. Taking from her every emotion she has to offer and replacing them with a coolness that touches her to the core. 

Leaving her empty. Taking away the weight that sits on her shoulders all day, the emptiness is a welcome change to the general discontentment that consumes her every thought.  Having no fight left the strong woman feels fragile, a stranger to herself the mirror gives no clue to what once was.  Twisted images enter her mind playing with her weakened state.  Proving all the fears she carried through the day are true, there is nothing left to the back of her mind, in the darkeness all doubts are brought to the forefront.  Tears break through, seeming to take the hurt with them. Exhausted from crying, the tears have dried up leaving nothing but trails of salt.  Taking everything that boiled over, everything that she could no longer hold, everything she no longer needed to hold.  Finally a full breath reaches her lungs, she flips her pillow to find the dry side and just like that a new day has started.

-n