release

Twirling, swirling wind all around.  Warm salt air brought straight from the waves.  Sparkles adorn, bubbles dance and inhibitions float away with the tide.  The time is now, there are no minutes to spare, grains of sand slipping away.  Eyes lock and you've dipped your toes in the foamy waters.  It caresses your skin, leaving bubbles in it's wake.  

Suddenly a blue glass bottle rubs against your ankle, the note reads "In this moment, on this earth."

And you are swept away, shoulders deep in to crystal clear intentions.  Planning your escape over and over never prepared you for what now presents itself.  Heat surrounds as speeds climb.  No more treading, sinking becomes floating...which becomes weightless release.

-n

delicate heart

Pain rakes through my body, what little of my self worth is diminished, tears mix with red and I lie alone.  Cold. The soul I used to cling to has disappeared, I have turned a blind eye to her needs and let her starve. Without her I have nothing to grasp...nothing to pull what is left of me from the cold, dark soil.  All the light is gone, everything was once laced with an ivory glow.  My path was once lined with a moss path, sweet scents and a warm glow.  I stand facing no path...no glow...just dark branches blocking everything. 

I want to stop so much. I fall to the ground and bring my knees to my chest...let go.

Close my eyes and try to let go.  Please.

I want so badly not to feel this pain. 

As I beat the ground with defeated fist the scent of the mineral rich soil fades away. I smell roses, I smell sun and grass...I open my eyes and I am in a garden.  A small white wrought iron table is set with tea for two.  White iron roses adorn the table and the chairs, shaded by an oak. Beautiful and stoic she sits with kind eyes cast on me...I feel helpless...hopeless...disenchanted.  She reminds me crying upsets the roses and places a soft hand upon my wet cheek.  Her words are comforting and wise, I fight to believe them...to trust their truth. I stay frozen listening in the last place I have ever felt safe and protected. Saying a silent prayer so that I might never leave this place. My grandmother smooths unruly curls out of my face and with a small smile she says good bye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wake so cold...so alone...so sad and the tears start to flow. Walking in the brisk air I hear nothing, I take the steps feeling nothing, look into faces that say nothing. The blanket of winter cannot cover the scent of delicate roses, I stop to watch a bee die resting on a pink petal. 

 Time passes and my only hope is that I might make it back to that place once more.

-n

speak

waste/wāst/

Verb: Use or expend carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose.

Adjective: (of a material, substance or by-product) Eliminated or discarded as no longer useful or required after the completion of a process.

Noun: An act or instance of using or expending something carelessly, extravagantly, or to no purpose: "it's a waste of time".

Speech is such a casual tool...it's easy to use with out realizing the utter strength and weight of each word. Reading definitions of words explains the meaning to the fullest, there is no confusing the intention.  Pain rakes through my body, what little of my self worth is diminished, tears mix with red and I 

 

Another year of watching the ponies run.  Hopefully this year they won't jump the fence free-willy style.  The weather here has been fickle to say the least, so I'm having second thoughts about a traditional big hat and thinking a smaller facinator might be the way to go.  This is one I tried on but perhaps the veil is a little much but is there really ever too much in the world of big dresses and even bigger hats??  Of course not! However I do see myself going with more of a brim, so for now the search continues.  Don't have much time, so send any ideas you may have my way!!

I know it's been a while lovelies but I'm getting back to it.

-n

Salt

 

 Feeling cool sheets on her skin she is reminded of how very alone she felt. A chill crawls down her spine as winter winds toss carelessly through the open window.  Christmas again, every year the same sad feelings and while there are moments that the overwhelmingly cheery disposition of those around her may sweep her up, the distraction last for just that, a moment.  Until she sinks back into the comforting darkness she has learned to appreciate, the same darkness that envelopes her with a sense of wanting. Taking from her every emotion she has to offer and replacing them with a coolness that touches her to the core. 

Leaving her empty. Taking away the weight that sits on her shoulders all day, the emptiness is a welcome change to the general discontentment that consumes her every thought.  Having no fight left the strong woman feels fragile, a stranger to herself the mirror gives no clue to what once was.  Twisted images enter her mind playing with her weakened state.  Proving all the fears she carried through the day are true, there is nothing left to the back of her mind, in the darkeness all doubts are brought to the forefront.  Tears break through, seeming to take the hurt with them. Exhausted from crying, the tears have dried up leaving nothing but trails of salt.  Taking everything that boiled over, everything that she could no longer hold, everything she no longer needed to hold.  Finally a full breath reaches her lungs, she flips her pillow to find the dry side and just like that a new day has started.

-n

Some Say

It's my dream and I'm going to see it through.  One day, soon.

I will never settle for a person that I don't think will be an amazing husband. My husband will be an amazing person that makes me want to better myself every day. He will be humble yet confident. Wholesome and fun. Understanding, forgiving, tolerant with strong values. He will be at one with himself, his life, past and future. He will have dreams, big ones, little ones, goals and drive.  He will be strong, he will always be my rock. He will hold me above others and understand we are the team. He will always catch my tears.  My husband will gain my trust, respect and be my other half. Stand with me always as a solid union.  My husband is my superman.  I've never been married.  I'm only going to do it once.  He has to be everything because to me this is it.

-n

Injustice

Walking in the summer heat I think of you. A cozy balminess laces my body as tears fill my soul. They haven't yet reached my eyes but they weigh on me as words can't describe. I fight the urge to collapse...here where I stand, I fight the urge to voice the injustice I feel.  It hurts, to deny myself.  It pains me to question the truths I believe.
Walking in the summer heat, tears tug at what's left of my self control. I miss you and want nothing more than to feel you in my arms. I hate you and wish you would disappear from my fondest memories.  I can't live with out you as I watch lovebirds coon together, my life will never be complete with you as you tear me in two beyond my control.
Walking in the summer heat, tears run down my cheeks, as I try in vain to hold myself. A pit fills my stomach and I wonder wholeheartedly, if there is a path for us.  Question whether this feeling that sends my heart to swell, is my imagination protecting me?  Is this real?  Why do I fight a feeling I dream of?  Or are dreams simply that.  The thoughts and reality you wish for, never to touch in the most perfect day.

Walking in the summer heat I cry.

-N

L.i.f.e.

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I've posted.  The thought gives me a very bittersweet feeling, my life has been a roller coaster for the last ten months to say the least.  Just as a roller coaster ride there have been high and low points, each bringing me to a new place in life.

I sat on a fallen tree trunk as the pup ran for a distant tree line, continuing her squirrel hunt from our last visit to the park.  Being early spring the sun is still getting use to staying up late, giving me just the right amount of warmth I needed.  As I watched the pup run back and forth my mind drifted to another time...to this time last year.  Where was I?  Thinking harder now to fill what seemed to be a life time of memories ago, I couldn't believe how many differences there were.  Virtually nothing was the same besides where I lived but even that didn't carry the same meaning to me now.  Today, if you were to ask about my apartment, I would say that I love it and am never ever giving it up!  A year ago I wasn't completely happy with anything about the apartment the location and anything around it that I wasn't use to.  A new job that takes up most of my life, that I enjoy excelling at and hate laboring through all at the same time.  Talk about a double edge blade, there are many time a week I look around me and ask myself, what the eff I'm doing!  Because I moved, many friends that I was used to seeing based on distance became once a month phone calls if we were lucky.  Abundance of new friends were made, many a product of my new job and the amount of time I spend doing it.

 New life.  I've come leaps and bounds in differences in the last year and the result feels like a completely new life.  I'm excited that it's still a life I can be proud of but I haven't taken my eye off ambitions and goals I set for my self a year ago and may not have gotten to yet.  That makes me smile, I'm happy to know that with all that's taken over my daily living I still have a vision of where I will be one day.  What I'm going to do for myself...that's exciting.

Looking back at my writing I see so much emotion, there's been no lack of it in the past months just lack of energy to express it well.  Taking the time to get a handle on my new surroundings has given me that extra time to make those phone calls to say hi, take a moment to write and enjoy friends I've missed dearly.  So while every post isn't going to be a masterpiece it will be published and not sitting in draft form.  It is strange that I've forgotten how amazing it feels to write, it's a release to get it out of the constant cycle in my mind.  Perhaps I'll sleep more soundly tonight, I hope that the sweetest of dreams are waiting for each of you in your slumbers tonight.

-n

Dance

Meet by chance, keep walking.

Cordial talk, no second thought.

An offer made, an offer passed on.

Second offer made, sip and talk.

Still no second thought.

Humor passes, watch, listen, feel.

Intermission of separation, thoughts stir.

Curb, cheek to cheek, cab pulls away.

Line for a line, curiosity weaves through stars.

Rain, overted eyes, changed focus.

Sun, clever smiles with bittersweet parting.

Promises of company pulls, feet act on their own.

Navigate through the crowds, a complimenting team - nothing more.

Swirl in a glass, drama in a dress.

Tears flow, the peace maker is here.

Handy addition, shows value.

Evaluating eyes, dress and heels render powerless.

Verbatim speech tickles the tongue, touch the senses.

Perfect presentation, hidden protection.

Admiration flows into adoration like footsteps in the waves.

Dance, twirl, dip, spin, smile, blush, lead...follow.

Notice taken, doesn't stop an amazing sight.

Say goodnight, say hello - the door opens, the door closes.

Step out of body, into the moment.

Flash, blink, shivers crawl the spine.

Hunger grows, memories fade in the distance.

Walking on grass, organic growth swells.

Step up, lead the plan.

Own it...all.

Accept nothing less than everything.

Worship, melt, power, deep breath to land on two feet.

Flash forward, fear sets in.

Inner fight, strains to protect and maintain.

Confusion and sadness, translated through giving.

Moments of want, forced through unknown terrain.

Pieces hit the floor and shatter to every corner.

Tear stained pillow, painful embrace.

Aching for the past, take the needed steps, say the needed words.

Light speed thoughts warp to cold clarity.

Defend from disappointment so incredible.

Erie calm sets in, mellow like a tornado ski.

Not away, not with, not wanted, not taken, not idea.

Rolling ball stops, court undecided.

Next step taken, door still open.

Sting in every new step, a trail left behind.

Find the path back, collecting tiny glass pieces along the way.

Held together with tears, hope and determination.

Tinted red, the familiar color of passion held so dear.

Heart.

-n

Note

Words for words.  Does that heavy heart make you flinch?  Think about what you have or haven't done, guilt worming it's way into every part of your being...making you want to do one thing.  Make it right.  No, not in this instance.  You want that guilt to go away to a place you don't have to feel it any more because you know it will always...always be there.  Get it all off your chest and do what you feel is going to make is disappear, tell someone about those bad things you did, let them tell you it is ok and that you don't have to worry.  Try night after night to believe that what you have done is the right and best thing.

Then take comfort in the same fact I do.  You will never make that guilt go away because you project it on to yourself, in that very graceful, mature, beautiful, independent, spineless, hurtful, careless, insecure, pitiful way that you do.  My favorite part to the whole act is when you paint it into that piece, titled 'Victim'.  Must have taken long to think up that act, that game, that farce, you feel so necessary to play for everyone.

Stage lights up and watch you dance.  Keeps you out of trouble every time.

Kindred spirits a term you loved to use, meaningless like most of what come out of your mouth.  While you stay there in that place adding more and more paint to a canvas that has turned mellow and mixed with so many colors.  I write this and exhale to what I thought but now am for sure I do not have a need for.

You can let go of your plan to use me as your out.  You found a door long ago because unlike many in your life I never wanted you locked up but maybe that is what you crave.  Do not use me to justify what you know is wrong and indecent.

I held you dear, loved you as my closest, protected that which you held dear, supported your daily whim, gave you loyalty, hugged you when you felt un-huggable.  Not without asking for something in return, in this you are correct.  I wanted a friend, I didn't need you as a friend and I suppose that is the point.

Today, just like all the days past.  I do not need you in my life, especially if you don't want to be.  This was an un-needed refresher course in what trust and loyalty should not look like.  Thank you for so much more than I put in this note and all the things credited to you.

-n

Blink

Getting caught up is a part of life in a good and bad way.  Being completely floored about a project and job that you love with a passion - not everyone gets to do that in a lifetime.  When you've spent years of your life working on a project or pursuing that next great position...where are you when life has passed you by.  You didn't stop to tell that girl you loved her, to adopt that dog you fostered, stay a little longer in that place you really enjoyed.  All instances you would try to avoid in order to keep the your eye on the prize.

What is the prize?

I get it everyone has a different idea of what their working for, what holds value for them.  To each his own...truly.  But in the blink of an eye that is life, could be what you were hoping for, could be the opposite.  One thing that is always the same there is a beginning and end, what you did in the middle are the moments you live in.  While ambitions, drive and goals are of high value.  It is very easy, very real to end it all and realize that much of your journey was spent alone, not including the wild twenties or the random tryst here and there.  That to me is worth taking a step back to look at all that you're working for and deciding where the balance is, what makes the balance, is there balance?
Lend yourself to someone and create something, there is no joy in thriving alone.

-n

Breath with Meaning

Release all that no longer serves you.  Breath. With. Meaning.

While I've been practicing Yoga for many years, it has just recently become so incredibly valuable to me.  Everyone gets busy it's just part of being, I can say that the past year to date has been one of the hardest and I've never been so busy yet so lonely.  It is a humbling awareness. Originally in writing this I had a bit about strength to follow up that statement but it really isn't about being strong.

I can't count the mornings I spent my whole shower repeating the same mantra "You can do this."  I didn't believe a word of it and it never stopped me from crying - no shame in crying in the shower, you're already all wet.  After one of those mornings, a day of work that feels like the world is shitting on you, there is nothing close to the feeling you get laying on a floor with a bunch of strangers...breathing.

Taking in the day that was given to you for three counts and releasing it with the same three counts.  There have been moments when I've worked my ass off in a yoga class and at the end I feel so calm I could cry.  Like a happy-amazed-silly cry.  When the realization that all the shit from the day...was indeed just that.  Shit...which is something no one keeps around, we flush it.  Flushing out the stress that for me, sits right in between my shoulder blades is worth every minute of staring at hairy guys ass mullet for the whole class...yah it's a real thing.

With this hard year, lots of change has come as well.  Isn't that always the way?  Change is hard, exciting, life altering, lonely...you never know what you're going to get and you have to make it through what ever the future holds.  I can say with an air of calm, I let go of that which no longer holds value, breath with meaning and never look back...ever.

-n

Amazing Gift

When couples write their own vows the precedence behind it being that they love the other person so much, it should be simple words should just come to them.  With what I've witnessed in couple that have tried to overcome this feat is that it couldn't be farther from the truth.  If there comes a day that you can say what seems like a hallmark card out loud to someone you care about...say it often cause when it's over there is never a time you think back and say "I said I love you too much."

Extraordinary

Few can aspire to be so unique
Few can claim to be one of a kind
Few can say they are their own person
Few can walk their own true line

But you do so, without a thought
You amaze me with your grace and poise
Your style can’t be begged, borrowed or bought
Your attitude and manner, uniquely your own

You are extraordinary, you are a gift
You make hearts sing, and spirits lift
You are incredible, you are one of a kind
You are the most beautiful, in body and mind

I love you, for all that you are
I love you, for all you can be
I love you, for your compassion and wit
I love you, for all the love you’ve given me

Happy Birthday

Shiny

When I think of something new, the word 'shiny' when it comes to new things.  Which is how I get to feel for the next couple of weeks, while I don't know what I'm talking about or what I'm suppose to be doing.  The introduction that I will be preficed with is 'new' at one time I would have hated it.  But after a childhood of moving and changing schools all the time, I learned to like the change.  Getting to reinvent yourself with every new group of people is appealing to me.  While I may not reinvent myself as much as when I was a child, I still get to set the image of myself however I like.

Walking through a city I am so familiar with and even seeing faces I'm familiar with has been a different experience lately.  I'm being marched around like a new puppy or even new purse ::I love each equally:: everyone I meet looks at me with the same look - Shiny and New.  I smile back like a new car in the driveway, saying the exact same thing the car would say...'You know you want to go for a ride and see what I can do.'

All of this reminded me of new relationships, something I realized I haven't had to put too much thought into.  I've known the people close to me for so many years and it's been a long time since I've even considered bringing new people in.  So I find myself having to brush up on the 'new people' social skills ::can't be rotten and rude like I usually am::  At least that's what I thought, until I came to the realization that I don't particularly care for people, which is why I have a select few I trust.  I've been quoted to say "I don't want to kill you, I trust you...you just need a little pain to teach you."  And while I enjoy creating curiosity I think I'll stay a mystery to most for now, I don't have energy for such shinanegans right now.

-n

Perfect Partner

Sexual Style: 

"Cancers don't just fall into bed," says Vega. For the most part, the extremely emotional crab wants a relationship, and once she has you in her claws, she doesn't want to let go. These intense, serious, possessive lovers zero in on one partner with whom to engage in all of their favorite sensual activities. While they may be shy initially, they're tender and deeply affectionate once they feel comfortable. The Beginner's Guide to Massage

 

Sexually Compatible Signs: 

Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn, Scorpio, Pisces

Turn-ons: Some great food and loads of trust. Make your Cancer an elaborate meal and let her know she can be vulnerable with you, and you may just have her pleasing you forever.

Turn-offs: Whatever you do, don't hurt her feelings or even think about straying. The super sensitive Cancer is easily offended, and, since she has the best memory of all Zodiac signs, she will never forget precisely how you've screwed up.

-n

Spy Interview Diaries

Meet someone and whether you know if or not you're on a interview.  The other person is sizing you up, it's something we all do conscientiously or not, we all want to know what the other person has hidden up their sleeve that sets them apart.  At the end of the day unless you're a serial killer, the goal is to stand out.  There are many different scenarios in which this happens and what reason each person is interviewing i.e. friend relationship, intimate relationship, sexual relationship, professional ability, athleticism, the list goes on and on.

However my thoughts lean more towards the question of, Do you interview well?  Can you walk into any room and project the personal image you want people to see?  On one end of the spectrum you have the Urban Chameleon, the person that can be the right thing at the right time.  At the other end of the spectrum you have Socially Awkward, the person who isn't comfortable in their own skin let alone close to other people.  As always the Grey in between...people who blend...in a bad way.

I interview well but I'm much better at giving the interview.  Meeting a person and finding out what makes them tick is something that interest me...as a product something that has become second nature.  The great thing about being genuinely interested up front is you get all the information you need and more to frame out a person.  People love to talk about themselves to a captivated audience, keeping the question light yet targeted, puts their walls down and builds trust.  Finding a common non-threatening point also opens the door for people to show you all their cards.  They want you to know how clever they are and you want to know too.  Those are the little tid-bits you keep filed away for later on, when you question something about the person you can think back to how they handle previous situations.

While all this sounds methodical and thought out it's not.  I came accross being able to do this so well by two thing noticing details and remembering them.  While I will drop little hints here and there about certain things I know about people, I don't let them know that I have a full profile of them in my head and add to it each time I see them...that would freak people out.  Truth be told that is exactly how my mind works, keeping notes on each person I come in contact with...strong points to weak points.

This all comes up in the blog, because people that meet/know me like to accuse me of being a spy.  A running joke that I have your ssn as soon as I meet you, pull accounts and what not.  Silly really, at least that's the reaction I'm sticking to.  Blow my cover and I won't be able to write more Spy Diary entries.

-n

Waves

What a crazy emotional day.  I've been loved, felt like shit, laughed my ass off, felt like a hero, fought back tears, found value in myself, hugged so tight I couldn't breath, pushed away so hard the wind was knocked out of my chest.  All ending with nothing more than me, taking it all in for what it is...each moment building my life.

The tear trails that once overwhelmed my palms now a distant memory, replaced with a content smile.  I'm so happy to be here, to learn from those who cross my path and to gain from those who share wisdom.

I thought nothing of it, light-hearted the whole way.  Taking each day, opening a new door.  I tripped first, but gained my footing better than before, in the same moment I let my hand slip away, never to be held again.  A break came making an un-expecting heart shatter like a glass ball dropped five stories to the ground.  Not only impossible to fix but how could you possibly find all the pieces.  While their not lost to myself, I'll keep them hidden for now.  Waves of emotion pass over me some sweet, some stinging, I still smile.

With the notion that right now I feel whole.  I made the decision months ago and it couldn't be more fitting for this moment, my next tattoo...  'True Form' language yet to be determined, right now at this point, I feel fully myself...some people never even get to a point in life that they can say they're completely themselves.  I'm at that point and loving it.

-n

Pit Solo

A dark place never seen, yet listened to explicitly.  With just a twist the soul is plunged into the depths, nothing but the sound rushing over head.  Weight from the growth pulling...pushing...crushing.  Even as you keep the horizon in view loss of control eats what is left of sanity, taking your thoughts.  There is no need to grasp.  At anything.  This trip, this rush, this torture is for you alone, self induced, concern is pushed away.  Pulling from deep down, stifle with out a choice, suffocation threatens until survival kicks in and is held more sacred than the heart.

I lied through my teeth, fighting the feeling the crept up and seemed to cripple me.  Once welcome butterflies flew away and I was left with a knotting pain in the pit of my stomach.  Tears pushed at the rims of my lashes, all to maintain a feeling of false control, to avoid breaching anything we might not make it back from.  The sensation that came from the pit of my stomach was only second to that of my breaking heart, cracking in the way it so often does.  Always the same stress fractures waiting for just the right amount of pressure.  As you lay your head down with promises of sweet dreams, I plot on how to mend these few pieces with a sweet dream of my own in the back of my mind, that you might mend them for me.

-n

Photo courtesy of David Barber @odoketa; http://www.davidbarber.org/

Daily Combo

Dark blue with light blue dots

and

pink with green dogs

-n

Daily Combo

Black lace
and
Bright Red with White and Silver Stars

-n