release

Twirling, swirling wind all around.  Warm salt air brought straight from the waves.  Sparkles adorn, bubbles dance and inhibitions float away with the tide.  The time is now, there are no minutes to spare, grains of sand slipping away.  Eyes lock and you've dipped your toes in the foamy waters.  It caresses your skin, leaving bubbles in it's wake.  

Suddenly a blue glass bottle rubs against your ankle, the note reads "In this moment, on this earth."

And you are swept away, shoulders deep in to crystal clear intentions.  Planning your escape over and over never prepared you for what now presents itself.  Heat surrounds as speeds climb.  No more treading, sinking becomes floating...which becomes weightless release.

-n

Some Say

It's my dream and I'm going to see it through.  One day, soon.

I will never settle for a person that I don't think will be an amazing husband. My husband will be an amazing person that makes me want to better myself every day. He will be humble yet confident. Wholesome and fun. Understanding, forgiving, tolerant with strong values. He will be at one with himself, his life, past and future. He will have dreams, big ones, little ones, goals and drive.  He will be strong, he will always be my rock. He will hold me above others and understand we are the team. He will always catch my tears.  My husband will gain my trust, respect and be my other half. Stand with me always as a solid union.  My husband is my superman.  I've never been married.  I'm only going to do it once.  He has to be everything because to me this is it.

-n

Dance

Meet by chance, keep walking.

Cordial talk, no second thought.

An offer made, an offer passed on.

Second offer made, sip and talk.

Still no second thought.

Humor passes, watch, listen, feel.

Intermission of separation, thoughts stir.

Curb, cheek to cheek, cab pulls away.

Line for a line, curiosity weaves through stars.

Rain, overted eyes, changed focus.

Sun, clever smiles with bittersweet parting.

Promises of company pulls, feet act on their own.

Navigate through the crowds, a complimenting team - nothing more.

Swirl in a glass, drama in a dress.

Tears flow, the peace maker is here.

Handy addition, shows value.

Evaluating eyes, dress and heels render powerless.

Verbatim speech tickles the tongue, touch the senses.

Perfect presentation, hidden protection.

Admiration flows into adoration like footsteps in the waves.

Dance, twirl, dip, spin, smile, blush, lead...follow.

Notice taken, doesn't stop an amazing sight.

Say goodnight, say hello - the door opens, the door closes.

Step out of body, into the moment.

Flash, blink, shivers crawl the spine.

Hunger grows, memories fade in the distance.

Walking on grass, organic growth swells.

Step up, lead the plan.

Own it...all.

Accept nothing less than everything.

Worship, melt, power, deep breath to land on two feet.

Flash forward, fear sets in.

Inner fight, strains to protect and maintain.

Confusion and sadness, translated through giving.

Moments of want, forced through unknown terrain.

Pieces hit the floor and shatter to every corner.

Tear stained pillow, painful embrace.

Aching for the past, take the needed steps, say the needed words.

Light speed thoughts warp to cold clarity.

Defend from disappointment so incredible.

Erie calm sets in, mellow like a tornado ski.

Not away, not with, not wanted, not taken, not idea.

Rolling ball stops, court undecided.

Next step taken, door still open.

Sting in every new step, a trail left behind.

Find the path back, collecting tiny glass pieces along the way.

Held together with tears, hope and determination.

Tinted red, the familiar color of passion held so dear.

Heart.

-n

Final Tone

"If there's love..."
Putting ourselves through nothing less than torture for an ending that is so un-certain, we dare not imagine what things could become. The promise of someday, down the line, in the future...are all reasons we hold on and put time into people who might not be the right person for you. Taking the needed chance on life and the people that are brought into it, the leap we're all afraid of but all want to take. As much as people tell themselves they don't want to loose control of their actions, broken down into pet names, farmers markets and the like. Women and men do want it...to care about someone so much you scream and cry.
To be cared about.
Simply being the priority or seemingly being the priority, settling for the forethought in someones mind. Begging for just a corner of their heart, a tiny part for you to claim your own for that tiny split second. Dreading the moment you feelings of utter contentment and destroyed into nothing less than a pile on the floor, the kind that you kick around the debris a little to see if there is anything worth salvaging.
Salvation.
Once you've come through a relationship and the key term being through, moving forward and starting something else. You may have fond feeling, you many have a grudge sitting between your shoulders, it may be that you picked up a little jaded chip. As you look forward to what is to come, it may not be a clear picture, you may not be able to see past the explosion of used tissues that surrounds you to know what you're looking for until the feeling come. Finding salvation in another, someone else who will love and care for you and your new scars. This person may be the one that looks past that jaded view you have on trust and future, the one to nurture you back to resemble whole. That person is simply the next.
Thoughts brought up by lyrics from a song heard in passing and now brings me back to a softer time.
"...I just want something to do with it."
All putting ourselves through the gambit of emotions just to be part of something, someone...love.

-n

Confetti Covered Floor

Move into every relationship with an open mind. Each individual begins with the same level of adoration, respect and liking. So what changes? What makes someone a best friend and what makes someone a frienemy? Emotions. It's all that comes to mind.

I run the inquiry past a friend and the response is 'I keep people in tiers.' Tiers? The first thought that comes to mind is 'effort' it takes a lot to create a mental hierarchy, using precious energy and mental power. In everything a natural order works itself out, how often you see someone, how long you spend with them, how well you get along. Within a society that over-booking is normal, I'd like to think I can leave the people in my life to a 'honor system' so-to-speak.





I give freely - so take freely.
I give everything - what you need is here.
Loyalty always - come through when asked.
Trust all - think before you abuse it.




Completely possible that I give freely as a way to keep things easy and stress to a minimum. Habits developed as a result of wanting to keep the energy put in, to a minimum. Which takes me to a thought, possibly even a concern that, I am too realistic for my emotions. Looking at this situation I think to myself, Have I been too nice? Not in the 'someone has walked all over me' way, but closer to the 'you had a little too much slack and hung yourself' way. Appreciation is important, yet rarely brought up as a key point or need. For each aspect in a relationship, there should be appreciation right behind it to make that particular relationship unique and valuable.
Of course in life, not everyone has the same outlook and each person does not handle relationships with similar actions. Never expecting individuals to do what you might consider the 'right' thing. There will be always be a person who comes along and takes all the cookies out of the cookie jar, fucking it up the for the rest of us. Making that space a little harder to fill, a little more jaded for the next relationship. Each person has their own bottom line that needs to be taken into consideration. When all that lust filled confetti has fallen...after the newness has warn off...company alone no longer fills the need...are you in the red or black? What are you left with?

Blank shreds of colored paper surround a single silhouette. For better or worse...you will always have more to sprinkle your path.

-n

Skip a Beat

My Angel

She glides, with grace and style her own

She captivates and captures hearts, unknown

She loves and makes the world go round

Her beauty and laughter, world renowned

She makes your world a better place,

She puts the smile upon your face,

She makes my heart sing, and sets me free

My Angel truly means the world to me…

The author is not me. But I felt it was so worth sharing. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do if not more. Sometimes you just need a heartfelt moment...the kind that makes you skip a beat all together.

-n

Would be Conquest

A glint of pride as he talks of his wife. This man describes the last year of new joy from marriage.

A story I love. Happily Ever After. While I'm all too understanding in what life can throw at us. I still sit back and enjoy watching someone plan the day that will start the rest of their lives. For the duration of the marriage that is. Even in knowing something just won't last, I watch them enjoy the ride and detailed dance it takes to keep the show up.
Should there be a disclaimer 'Shelf life, not forever.'?

Overhear a sigh of content, as he tells his lunch date that he's changed so much...feels so whole. Can't wait to make things better, be better for her, their life and the children she wants to bring into the world. He catches my eye as that last bit is mentioned and lends me a smile of comradery, as if there is an understanding that I too want children ::mentally, throws self down stairs:: I continue to listen while I sip my latte, my lunch date is late and it works out because I would like to keep listening to see where this goes.

"So how is the sex. Ya, know...since you broke the seal and all." His friend ask with a little caution but the curiosity driving this line of question is not stopping him from getting an answer. I hold my latte to my lips as to not draw attention to myself, the man looks around as if he is about to open Pandora's Box. At least I hope that is what he is about to bring to the surface, his face is older than his age...you can tell he's been down many different paths, none of them leading him where he truly wants to be. But perhaps that is because he doesn't yet know where he wants to be or needs to be.
"I've tried everything." He finally says in almost a whisper. His friend doesn't quite know what it means, he starts with a smile "So she's into a little everything?" he prompts. My mind is working through the tone of the newlyweds comment about his wife, not a happy tone...more of a solace tone, what ever is about to come out is bad. Poof, goes 'Happily Ever After'.
The man looks at his friend with a look that I can only describe as pain, it seems his cup was filled to the rim and this line of questioning was just too much, he pours everything out in what seems like one breath. "It's been so long, we don't have sex, when we do I can never finish or even come close, she doesn't enjoy it, she still thinks sex is evil, how am I suppose to change years of suppression?!? We haven't talked about it in a long time, now that I've brought it up we fight all the time, I love her, but I don't know if this will be fixable, marriages end over less. I've started noticing other woman, I can't taste my food, all I want is to love my wife and feel it in return from her."
Silence for a long moment, it's clear his friend has nothing tangible to offer and with a subject so vast, where do you start? Finally with a humbled look his friend ask the only question he can, "What are you going to do?".

"Stay the course."

Nothing more. My mind is racing with objections, thoughts, scenarios, everything, but I stay silent ::cause, how rude would that be!:: Where do you draw the line? Cut your losses. Every situation is different, but the key is knowing and being comfortable with yourself. Without knowing your own limits you can't make the right decision. This guy knew himself pretty well but not well enough, there was a great deal of denial playing in this choice also. Everyday we're faced with decisions to make, some make them, some avoid, some regret and everyday I'm thankful that I know myself well enough to know what's best for me. That's all you can really aim for knowing what is best for you, not worrying about what anyone else is doing, because like you they will all make their own decisions, there is nothing you can do about it. What people may see as selfishness, I know is confidence. I'm confident enough to live by that view 'All you can control, is yourself'.
So in the instance that the part of your life you are unhappy with is controlled by someone else, when do you know to stay to course or cut your losses of a lost conquest.

-n

Fluffy Pink Flowers

While walking the pups I caught the perfect breeze carrying the perfect sent. Feather light flowers, were drifting to the ground in front of me. I looked up and noticed they were floating all around me. The scent was so sweet, it brought all kinds of nice thoughts.

The first to pop into my mind, I would love to line a driveway with these trees one day. It would be such a nice welcome, to come home to everyday. I smile to myself because that 'one day' is so far away, by choice. Right now, I admit it's all about me and while I have visions on a driveway and cute house, they are distant visions.

After taking a snapshot and sending the picture to twitter I find out that the name of my tree is a Mimosa tree. Later that day at lunch I mention the tree to a friend, even explain that one day I want a driveway lined with these trees. The conversation was clearly just to fill space and had no meaning behind it. In fact I forgotten all about it, when the friend had asked me a week later what tree I was gushing over. When said I couldn't remember the name, the answer that I got back could not have been more perfect.

"Well I guess it doesn't matter, if you're going to buy someone you care about a tree might as well buy the whole forest and make sure you get a couple of the right ones."

The statement brought a smile to my face. Why stop at a tree, when you can give the whole forest. Now that is the way to love someone, never stop at just enough, when you can strive for dreams.

-n

Sucker for a Sunset

It makes sense, I think to myself...I've always like sunsets better than sunrises. But I don't give him this explanation, instead I leave him to wonder what the hell I mean. The rumor about me liking to torture...it's a little true ::at least I'm honest:: I can't help myself really...and anyways I'll be the first to tell you, I'm not nice.
"What did you say?"
Well the words just kinda slipped.
"What words?" She says to me with an all too serious look.
Not those words, crazy!
"Oh, then why are you so concerned?"
I'm not. You are.

I didn't miss him, I didn't think much on him while he was gone, but when I saw him the word just kind came out. I could have stopped them but I wanted to see what would happen.

I like you like sunsets.

Even not knowing what it meant, he looked at me and smiled. Held me close and looked deep into my eyes. The only thought I had in the moment, was please don't respond with the dreaded three words. Cause if that happens, you've never seen a girl get dressed and in the car so fast.

"Why? I thought you liked him."
This particular friend is completely not understanding in instances like this, her nightly dream and life goal is to be loved, taken care of, barefoot and pregnant. A thought that brings the word 'vomit' to mind for me. But I love her point of view on my life, how crazy she thinks I am for wanting and needing things completely simple.

I do like him.
"And?"
And nothing else, I like him we have fun, and while it stays just so, I will keep him.
"You are so strange!"
I know.

Could be the colors, I do love color. But then again it could be the way he touches my face, the same way a sunset warms then cools the skin every night. Perhaps is the ever change that surrounds him, no two sunsets are the same.
What I find myself looking forward to the most about sunsets is that there will be another great one tomorrow.
-n

Comfort vs Security

In a time when all the decisions are yours where do you turn?
Should you really be looking to turn in any other direction but yourself? This thought along induces a dismal thought of 'what the hell?' Why do I spend all this time giving everyone else advice, just so when I need some everyone tells me to come to the decision myself. Yes, I know everyone should make their own way in life, based off of their own choices. But maybe I just want someone to tell me what to do and have that not only be the right choice for me but the best choice in the situation. Asking for a little much? I suppose. What's the saying?...No question is a dumb question.
When faced with a choice and we're not talking about what latte to get, we're talking about life altering, shit hits the fan, crap storm, please get me outta here, I want to escape kinda decision. How do you deal?! I've gotten everything from making bullet point list, weighing the pros vs cons, ignoring until there is just not other choice, or not making it. The one that I got the most and was shocked but understanding about... Not making the choice. How many time have you heard the relationship went on two years too many? Never? Well I've heard it plenty and it's a strange thing, that is until you're living it. From what I hear it doesn't make the decision any easier, there is still a storm you have to get through and survive. Which still leaves me wondering how to deal? Personally I think it out very logically, perhaps too logically but that is the only way I know. Once I come to the decision I figure out the upside, no upside? Plan B: Ball up into the tightest ball, bury myself for as long as possible ::leave the chocolate at the end of the bed, thanks:: I never thought that I would be too logical for my own good, but if emotion is what is needed to understand both sides of the arguments, how can you trust your thoughts? Then again I feel that my need to do the best thing for everyone helps me see it for what it really is. Not so much as life altering, but more so just a pain in the ass. Decide to do it you break that security that you've built, living in a world with lack of security...welcome to the storm ::sans an umbrella..ella..ella:: Maybe it will go away? Stay in the place you know, in your comfort zone. But how long will that stay your comfort zone, when all the straws are lined up on the camels back, is comfort really waiting for that last straw? For that fight that hangs over head, anything could tip the perfectly balanced scale of love and hate.
On this subject I would take into consideration what I hold more in higher priority. Yes, I'm a creature of habit and enjoy comfort. Yes, I do value my security. More. If need be for the better of yourself, than that is the direction you should go. While we all have people we care about, people you don't want to hurt, people you don't want to leave. The decision must be 'for the better of self' no one and nothing else. Hard to say aloud, even harder to hear when you've shut yourself down. When the decisions are all but lost to you, blackout everything else and think about your number one priority in life. Yourself.

-n

Photo taken at Great Falls National Park

I hate <3 Day

A valentines puzzle, with a large group of Single friends and an equally large group of Non-single friends a question comes up, who is enjoying this Saturday Valentines more?

As I run around playing cupid today, my goal is to make sure no one I care about is forgotten. If it's a call, text, card, or Chocolate for a select few I want them to know on this highly commercialized 'holiday' that they are in my thoughts. Even if you have secured yourself a Valentine, I want you to know, you don't have to have a Valentine. My day starts with a text to all my best guys, sending well wishes and seeing what they have planned for the day. A few of them happen to be single so the nights plan, is a Birthday celebration in the city. Next, a couple of phone calls to the girls, well wishes, and checking up on more plans. I get a list of what has been gifted so far and what activities are to come, strangely also including possibly going into the city. Then I move on to hand delivering cards and sweets...The girls are very excited some because it's the only thing they will get today, other because they get to add to the pile of crap some guy or guys has already showered them with. As I make all these special visits, I end with my own collection of gifts received along the way.

If you were wondering I did have a Valentine. We had day time plans as I was requested to be able to make an appearance at a party in the city during the evening ::and yes I brought him along:: My day was nice, and relaxed but there was an underlying feeling of obligation. To make the day something special, and to have it be very memorable. When all I was looking for, really all I'm ever looking for is a little fun and laughter. If you really want the days details feel free to send an email, they don't have much of a place in this post. The day is broken up by a much needed nap, I love, love, love my bed. Nothing and I mean nothing makes me happier than getting to come home and bury myself under piles of downs and pillows.

Woken by an eta call, I am of course running late, throw on the first thing I find. Black cotton dress, black boots...not very valentines I notice as I pass the mirror, but who wants to be valentinesy?! Meeting up we start in Georgetown, a low key group we've all managed seats at the bar so there is lots of talking going on. The perfect time for me to start some research, I start with a new couple...they haven't banged yet, so I suppose they are no couple at all. Together none the less I ask a few questions, how was dinner? Did you have fun today? They both give me glowing reports of nothing special, saw a movie, got pizza, had a great day ::interesting:: Next a couple that has been going strong for I think the last glowing report was eight months, which I agree there's no point in keeping track, especially for them the end is near. From the girl I get a run down of the menu that he prepared for her all by himself, as I glance to him I get an eye roll...a little confused I find out he wanted sex right after dinner and before going out, she on the other hand would have no part in messing up her hair. Men, you have no chance of understanding us, just none. We move to another location, one a little more lively the girls want to dance and so they do. But luckily for me more alcohol is involved in a second location so I get all kinds of valentines feedback.
'He did a great job, but I really thought he would propose.'
A great job? Is that what this has become?
'I got a dozen yellow roses, he said he wanted it to be different...what the f does that mean?!'
Angry, so angry.
'She got me the coolest cuff links.'
Jewelry, also a guys best friend?
'All I want is a bj and I'm gonna get it'
Determination, that's what I like to see.

Before I slip into the perfect middle ground of vodka-sodas and well...everything else my thoughts come together. The best days in general whether a special day or just today, should be organic. To much expectation leads to disappointment. Let actions, thoughts, and emotions fall where they may and enjoy the ride. While I enjoy a chocolate coma as much as the next person, I will continue to secretly 'hate heart day'. I say secretly because I enjoy making people feel special, but other than that I could do with out a day that you're expected to eat all that chocolate out of a heart shaped box.

-n

Photo of a colorful Washington Sunset

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

Gone are the days of woman sitting on a hill, hopefully pulling petals off of some poor flower.
These days we focus more on the art of bringing men to there knees without them even realizing it's happening. No, not because we like to be cruel ::maybe for some of us:: more because while there are no two woman alike, we're just a different breed these days. Why sit and wait for a man, for love, for any thing we want really. When I get asked for advice about relationships and love, I say just tell them what you want. Get over here, take off your clothes. I know a little too direct for some, but really you should give it a try, it's fun.
Romance. To all you guys out there who dart around the car to open the door, pull the chair out at dinner, stand when we stand, or go as far to offer us the last scoop of ice cream ::wait that never happens:: Hats off to you. Of course romance still has a place in every day, in every life, but has the face of romance changed? I know the things that stick with me about someone change all the time, a touch on the chin, a sultry look from across the room, and always confidence. I love confident men, I would go as far to say that I have a complete fetish for confident men ::but that's enough about me:: In giving my straight forward advice I often hear the comment, that's not very romantic.
What does romance look like today? When I asked the question I got answers from all over the place. Most noticeable, Porn and Pizza! There is nothing better than when my girl has a new porn playing and pizza waiting for me when I get home, that is when I know in my heart that I picked a girl who loves me and I will love forever. From that answer I gather, yes, romance has changed. The chances of your grandparents watching porn together over pizza, admit it...are slim to none. When they dated romance was, a pin on the shirt and sharing a milkshake. On that note, I still think still think sharing milkshakes is romantic, but realistically I don't want to share my milkshake, I want my own and my extra refill tin.
Real. I grew up raised to eat, sleep, and live fairy tales, knowing that someday my price charming would come along and swoop me off my feet to the very large castle that waited just beyond that perfect sunset. But today, I have a very realistic view of my present and future, what I have today, what I want tomorrow, what I can strive for later. Am I too logical for my emotions? When I look at the woman around me they are strong, independent, and taking over the world ::uh huh, I said it:: And as a result of that, these woman raise their brilliant little girls to be brilliant woman, never waiting for anything to be given to them, working hard for what they want, and believing in themselves. As we raise this newer breed of woman will romance still hold fast? Will these reality based, head strong, non-raised on Fairy Tale woman still have an image of romance that has to do with flowers and surprises? Or will it be based on accomplishments and work ethic?
All these thoughts swirling in my mind, ending with the same feeling. I never regret falling in love, I hold each of those people dear in my heart. Maybe not in the same way, but with notice that each of these people made me the lover I am today. Romance, to me is anything that will stay with you longer than the moment, anything you can bounce back to and smile about. That being said I believe that romance can be all of the things listed above from a secret caress to talent and even a flower.
While I started out to write about the different ways woman and men approach love today, I think I hit closer on the note of, Romance...where are you? I'm often quoted to say Do it to it, while it's a silly saying I feel humbled when I hear someone else say it, because it takes me back to the feeling of why I like to say it so much. You want that something, little or big? Than go get it...do it.

-n

Photo of Roses in Feb

Old School Playa

Play the game much?
I have to admit this question took me a little by surprise, while most don't. But for a virtual stranger to one accuse me of one being a player and than two ask me about it was well...strange. What answer we're they really looking for? Is this one of those instances that I'm suppose to be brutally honest and get all the shock value I deserve? or Was this person really waiting for an answer that would put them at ease in knowing that there is no such thing. Not feeling sassy as usual I shake my head and act like I have no idea what that word even means. They seem immediately put at ease, happy in their own thoughts of life and perhaps of me.

This simple question brings up all kinds of thoughts, What is a player in this day and age? So I look to the examples right around me and find a little of old school and a little new age. Old school comes in the form a looks perfect on paper guy, he has everything going for him. Yet, he still plays the game like he's a pimp ::not in the taking money from tricks kind:: More like he sweet talks all the girls, and doesn't tell the full truth to any of them. When ever I interact with him it makes me wonder why? Maybe a lack in confidence that he can carry more than one girl honestly...maybe he just likes the art of having all these girls in 'love' with him. Why would you want to be constantly on? Never being able to relax, but maybe the adrenalin is enough, all the girls having what they think are real feelings for you, all of them wanting you in the same way, all of them thinking that there is a possibility when there really isn't. I guess it could be entertaining for a hot second, but for life no thanks.

When I look to the other side of the spectrum, I feel like it's the closest that we'll ever get to the good ol' days of free love, that is with all those scary stds running around these days. I get an explanation of, if you're gonna hold something on the side with a main serious thing...you gotta be honest with everyone else. In situations like that you only lie to one person, everyone else has to be understanding of whats real. Once I looked at it that way, you really can get much further that way. Even if there wasn't one person you lied to and you were just honest with everyone in your life. It would be a much easier way to live and enjoy, most people think of guys when I start to talk about things like this. But in this day and age the 'new age' girls are all over the place and killing the market like no other ::yup I just called it a market:: Everything is business around here.
So while guys love to think that they are all a girl needs and the sun/moon in our lives, be put on notice...we are crazy. Alright had to get that out there, but more and more my girlfriends are getting away from the pretense that you must always have a serious boyfriend. Now we lean towards enjoying life, being young, and getting what we need. That being my most important point how often do you meet someone and you like 60% of their person, but there are a few things you would change. Well how about finding someone else who you might like 70% of their person and another you might just like 50% of. But in this equation you like each person for something different so all of those different needs you have are met to the fullest. Someone to have dinner with, someone to rent movies with, someone to hit the town with, someone to love with, or maybe that's a good part of all of them. Sounds pretty nice right? For some people it is, for some it's easy to separate each person and relationship. For others the emotions alone are too much and that's alright the key is knowing yourself enough to say when.

But my question still lingers with me...why in this day and age would you play by the old rules? A time when you could love each person and relationship for what it is, seems like a lot of people would be happier and there would be a lot less of broken heart syndrome. I don't use the word love lightly, but once you find comfort with yourself everything else will come.

-n

Photo of the Lincoln Memorial

Parched and Craving

Opening a bottle of wine and turning on the tv for some noise, the travel channel is on. How I love the travel channel bringing me to all the places I long to visit. Awaiting a girlfriend to come over I pour a second glass of wine ::this one is better a little more open:: She catches me on the way home from work, which is my calm time after the storm and not the best time to call me. But I catch the bewildered tone in her voice and invite her over for some dinner. After being happily greeted by my two furry babies, she flops down on the couch next to me takes the glass I've extended to her and takes a look at the tv. Out of nowhere she announces

'That desert is wetter than I've been in months.'

Problem revealed and I didn't have to do any digging ::saves a lot of time:: I can't help but break into laughter, she gives me a serious look then giggles at herself. She is a classic case of Dry Spell, but what is the dry spell from? Sex, Relationships or something else. I agree that everyone needs to be intimacy. A time just comes when you want to be touched, you crave to be held, kissed...wanted. But you can have sex and not really get any of those things...which leaves a line. The people who think not having sex is a problem and people who rather wait for something more worth while, thus resulting with not having a problem with it. Back to the point of sex without intimacy and in the same breath intimacy without sex. My close friends can provide an intimacy and comfort that certain loves just can't, but I suppose the key word is comfort because perhaps what my dry spells are from is a little comfort. Back to the ball of pent up emotions on my couch... I do the math of the last time she dated one person seriously and the last time she had sex... and come up with the question, what are you missing? She looks at me eyes blank

'Sex, I'm missing sex.'

Now we know what side of the equation she falls on. What about that guy you talked about non-stop last week? 'Ugh, no he was all about himself and no one else, plus not that hot.' Well maybe you should be a little more picky. Now she gives me an are you out of your mind look, 'If I'm any more picky I won't be getting laid for the rest of my life.' Then it comes to me maybe she's being the wrong kind of picky... Just because a guy is a good sweet talker upon first meet does not mean he'll go the distance. She will frequently choose the sweet talker over an interesting guy any day ::to each her own:: I like puzzles, but most of my girlfriends don't. Anything that can keep my attention for longer than the weekend is fun for me, but if I meet you on Friday and by Saturday you've blown me up so much 'desperation' shows up on my phone instead of your name...we have a problem, take that back you have a problem. Maybe you're interested in the wrong guys. 'Of course I am, but all the so called right guys are soo boring.' I make the note that I haven't see her very often lately, she explains that she's been going on as many dates as possible. She frowns at my suggestion that she should take a break from the serial dating and figure out what she wants. She argues, and I end with a simple direction of Spend more time with friends.

There will come a time for most when you will have that person for a little while or for a long time, when there is a mutual feeling of 'Us against the world' but until then as you walk through a seemingly endless desert with not even a mirage to distract you, there is a comforting thought.

Life with great friendships is your lake complete with shady tree in the desert.

-n

Photo taken at the WWII Memorial

I Love Hearing You Smile

Edating, eaffairs, ebreakups... a time when any relationship can be virtual based. We've come leaps and bounds from the good old 'Mail Order Bride' days to the 'Email Order Bride with Paypal Account now accepted' days.
When lack of self esteem, work, and general life get in the way, people young and old turn to online dating services to get serious and find love in a timely manner on the regular. New in town? Looking for new friends to drink with? New person to cuddle with or maybe just some strange... please see 'personals' via craigslist. A self proclaimed craiglist queen myself, it is my solution for everything and the first place I start research about any random thought that comes to mind. So why would I stop at antique furniture, vacation homes, and job hunting? When one source has everyone and everything you are looking for...

I suppose it would be the lack of physical, but then again find a good writer and you can almost forget all about the physical. But taking it back to when chat became the preferred way to meet and keep in touch with people, the general steps are always the same. Chat with someone have fun once a week, chats pick up to daily, chats pickup to all day. Wait...All Day?! You don't talk to anyone all day, but as a direct result that many jobs are spent all day in front of computers, you have just allowed this personality to walk right into your life and thoughts, that no one else gets a glimpse. I use the word personality because there is no person that goes with this screen name, even with unbelievable connection. A screen name will always be just that, enter what some people may see as the exciting part...not knowing. The whole life and person that you've chatted with could be makebelieve, someones imagination...that has now taken over your imagination.
That doesn't stop anyone, move on to swapping phone numbers. Does this person really speak how they type? Are they as bold over the phone? In the comfort of your own world with the safety of just being able to log-off, may give the extra push to go ahead and tell this personality everything and anything. But link a voice and a name with your screen name and you take the first steps out of that, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. The first conversation filled with butterflies and nerves, but so worth it. Now maybe take a step back, there was enjoyment but a safe step back is better. Couple of days go by, the chats pick up again, the phone calls pick up, the comfort level picks up.
Hold your breath and press the 'send' button, your image just zoomed across cyber space into some strangers grasp, giving them permission to do whatever they would like with it ::whatever:: With a heartbeat skip you open...new email with attachment. With an seemingly equal amount of risk invested, thoughts drift to the next step.
The next adrenalin rush.
The step that could be considered the make or break, but the make or break of what? and whom? No one. Two screen names, linked to countless hours of chatting, and the hope that you land safely after your leap of faith. From here it looks like this step could bring happiness, but sorrow is also lurking close by. Why take the steps into reality, to feed the need of knowledge or maybe the need for that physical piece to finish the puzzle...all of these come at a high price of possibly not having all of the above again.

So maybe this corner of your life that has allowed you to pour out your soul, should be left as is. A place to use as a retreat or just a good distraction, I know I need that from time to time. So, while I set out to write about the steps of an online relationship. I might have found my own corner to retreat to, but currently it's laced with the contentment of chatting, talking and learning. There's not much else to do...

When all you have are words.

-n

Photo of the Key Bridge and Overlooking Georgetown

Oxytocin Addiction

'Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain.'

C has a necklace that has 'love' in script in silver. When ever anyone notices, people always remark something along the lines of, 'Are you looking for love?' or 'In love with yourself?' ::all very clever:: Her answer is always the same and at any given tender moment you can always count on her to quote,
'I love...love.'
The first time I heard her say this I had to stop and think about what it meant? You love people in love? Being in love? Loving someone? 'All of it' she tells me. With a roll of the eye, and a half smile I waive her off as delirious. To love, love? Silly. But the more I think about it, I can see why she would be inclined to feel this way. When you have balls enough to admit that you're in love...well that's a great feeling. To love the attention, passion, lust, friendship, and companionship that comes with love. There are other who like the chase, the game, the dance of liking someone and turning it into something so much more.
New Love. That is what I love, new love...falling in love. Scratch that I would say I'm addicted to it. Meeting someone new learning new things, getting those feelings that you might be familiar with or might not. The excitement of finding out someone is thinking about you as much as you think about them. Finding someone wants you sooo bad, the kind of want you only have when it's new because you've never had it before. Making your way through all the emotions that come with two people, two separate people trying to see if they are a match. Maybe not even a life match but a match for the moment. Isn't the saying life is made of many moments?
When asking friends if they have ever been in love I get a surprisingly high response of, 'I said I loved the person, but looking back now it probably was not love.' Discount the love you once had? Why? I would happily admit to anyone that I've been in love multiple times, and if you don't think it was love than how will you know if it happens again. I believe that you can love differently, and that as you grow older you emotions mature, but a once love should always stay a part of your love history.
A feeling of sadness comes at the thought, some people feel they compromise themselves when they admit love. They have come to the point that saying 'I love you' makes them feel like it takes away from the person you've worked so hard to create along the way. But even if a love ends terribly it helped shape the person you came out to be, and the way you love the next person.
Another thing most I talked to had in common was getting to the point of 'there is no one for me'. Which could be compared to eating your last Sour Patch Kid with out knowing, you reach for another and all you get it sour powder. Luckily for us, when you reach a few more time in the powder you find one hiding. Which brings me to all those who say there is only one love per person per lifetime, how can this be? Last time I checked 'Free Samples' were free and conveniently so is love ::for most...well that's not really love is it:: So please resist from discounting my multi-love life and I won't comment on the marriage you've somehow trapped yourself in.
Back to everyone being an Addict, meant in the most none drug-related way. I've found that we're all Addicts to different degrees, the constant of marriage, the attention of infatuation, the butterflies of unknown. I unwrap a gift the giver explains 'It just looked like you.' A thick Black bangle with the word 'love' in White script all around it.
With gratitude and amusement I comment back, I agree, especially since I love, falling in love.

-n

Photo of the Key Bridge, Washington DC