release

Twirling, swirling wind all around.  Warm salt air brought straight from the waves.  Sparkles adorn, bubbles dance and inhibitions float away with the tide.  The time is now, there are no minutes to spare, grains of sand slipping away.  Eyes lock and you've dipped your toes in the foamy waters.  It caresses your skin, leaving bubbles in it's wake.  

Suddenly a blue glass bottle rubs against your ankle, the note reads "In this moment, on this earth."

And you are swept away, shoulders deep in to crystal clear intentions.  Planning your escape over and over never prepared you for what now presents itself.  Heat surrounds as speeds climb.  No more treading, sinking becomes floating...which becomes weightless release.

-n

Some Say

It's my dream and I'm going to see it through.  One day, soon.

I will never settle for a person that I don't think will be an amazing husband. My husband will be an amazing person that makes me want to better myself every day. He will be humble yet confident. Wholesome and fun. Understanding, forgiving, tolerant with strong values. He will be at one with himself, his life, past and future. He will have dreams, big ones, little ones, goals and drive.  He will be strong, he will always be my rock. He will hold me above others and understand we are the team. He will always catch my tears.  My husband will gain my trust, respect and be my other half. Stand with me always as a solid union.  My husband is my superman.  I've never been married.  I'm only going to do it once.  He has to be everything because to me this is it.

-n

Shiny

When I think of something new, the word 'shiny' when it comes to new things.  Which is how I get to feel for the next couple of weeks, while I don't know what I'm talking about or what I'm suppose to be doing.  The introduction that I will be preficed with is 'new' at one time I would have hated it.  But after a childhood of moving and changing schools all the time, I learned to like the change.  Getting to reinvent yourself with every new group of people is appealing to me.  While I may not reinvent myself as much as when I was a child, I still get to set the image of myself however I like.

Walking through a city I am so familiar with and even seeing faces I'm familiar with has been a different experience lately.  I'm being marched around like a new puppy or even new purse ::I love each equally:: everyone I meet looks at me with the same look - Shiny and New.  I smile back like a new car in the driveway, saying the exact same thing the car would say...'You know you want to go for a ride and see what I can do.'

All of this reminded me of new relationships, something I realized I haven't had to put too much thought into.  I've known the people close to me for so many years and it's been a long time since I've even considered bringing new people in.  So I find myself having to brush up on the 'new people' social skills ::can't be rotten and rude like I usually am::  At least that's what I thought, until I came to the realization that I don't particularly care for people, which is why I have a select few I trust.  I've been quoted to say "I don't want to kill you, I trust you...you just need a little pain to teach you."  And while I enjoy creating curiosity I think I'll stay a mystery to most for now, I don't have energy for such shinanegans right now.

-n

Spy Interview Diaries

Meet someone and whether you know if or not you're on a interview.  The other person is sizing you up, it's something we all do conscientiously or not, we all want to know what the other person has hidden up their sleeve that sets them apart.  At the end of the day unless you're a serial killer, the goal is to stand out.  There are many different scenarios in which this happens and what reason each person is interviewing i.e. friend relationship, intimate relationship, sexual relationship, professional ability, athleticism, the list goes on and on.

However my thoughts lean more towards the question of, Do you interview well?  Can you walk into any room and project the personal image you want people to see?  On one end of the spectrum you have the Urban Chameleon, the person that can be the right thing at the right time.  At the other end of the spectrum you have Socially Awkward, the person who isn't comfortable in their own skin let alone close to other people.  As always the Grey in between...people who blend...in a bad way.

I interview well but I'm much better at giving the interview.  Meeting a person and finding out what makes them tick is something that interest me...as a product something that has become second nature.  The great thing about being genuinely interested up front is you get all the information you need and more to frame out a person.  People love to talk about themselves to a captivated audience, keeping the question light yet targeted, puts their walls down and builds trust.  Finding a common non-threatening point also opens the door for people to show you all their cards.  They want you to know how clever they are and you want to know too.  Those are the little tid-bits you keep filed away for later on, when you question something about the person you can think back to how they handle previous situations.

While all this sounds methodical and thought out it's not.  I came accross being able to do this so well by two thing noticing details and remembering them.  While I will drop little hints here and there about certain things I know about people, I don't let them know that I have a full profile of them in my head and add to it each time I see them...that would freak people out.  Truth be told that is exactly how my mind works, keeping notes on each person I come in contact with...strong points to weak points.

This all comes up in the blog, because people that meet/know me like to accuse me of being a spy.  A running joke that I have your ssn as soon as I meet you, pull accounts and what not.  Silly really, at least that's the reaction I'm sticking to.  Blow my cover and I won't be able to write more Spy Diary entries.

-n

Waves

What a crazy emotional day.  I've been loved, felt like shit, laughed my ass off, felt like a hero, fought back tears, found value in myself, hugged so tight I couldn't breath, pushed away so hard the wind was knocked out of my chest.  All ending with nothing more than me, taking it all in for what it is...each moment building my life.

The tear trails that once overwhelmed my palms now a distant memory, replaced with a content smile.  I'm so happy to be here, to learn from those who cross my path and to gain from those who share wisdom.

I thought nothing of it, light-hearted the whole way.  Taking each day, opening a new door.  I tripped first, but gained my footing better than before, in the same moment I let my hand slip away, never to be held again.  A break came making an un-expecting heart shatter like a glass ball dropped five stories to the ground.  Not only impossible to fix but how could you possibly find all the pieces.  While their not lost to myself, I'll keep them hidden for now.  Waves of emotion pass over me some sweet, some stinging, I still smile.

With the notion that right now I feel whole.  I made the decision months ago and it couldn't be more fitting for this moment, my next tattoo...  'True Form' language yet to be determined, right now at this point, I feel fully myself...some people never even get to a point in life that they can say they're completely themselves.  I'm at that point and loving it.

-n

Final Tone

"If there's love..."
Putting ourselves through nothing less than torture for an ending that is so un-certain, we dare not imagine what things could become. The promise of someday, down the line, in the future...are all reasons we hold on and put time into people who might not be the right person for you. Taking the needed chance on life and the people that are brought into it, the leap we're all afraid of but all want to take. As much as people tell themselves they don't want to loose control of their actions, broken down into pet names, farmers markets and the like. Women and men do want it...to care about someone so much you scream and cry.
To be cared about.
Simply being the priority or seemingly being the priority, settling for the forethought in someones mind. Begging for just a corner of their heart, a tiny part for you to claim your own for that tiny split second. Dreading the moment you feelings of utter contentment and destroyed into nothing less than a pile on the floor, the kind that you kick around the debris a little to see if there is anything worth salvaging.
Salvation.
Once you've come through a relationship and the key term being through, moving forward and starting something else. You may have fond feeling, you many have a grudge sitting between your shoulders, it may be that you picked up a little jaded chip. As you look forward to what is to come, it may not be a clear picture, you may not be able to see past the explosion of used tissues that surrounds you to know what you're looking for until the feeling come. Finding salvation in another, someone else who will love and care for you and your new scars. This person may be the one that looks past that jaded view you have on trust and future, the one to nurture you back to resemble whole. That person is simply the next.
Thoughts brought up by lyrics from a song heard in passing and now brings me back to a softer time.
"...I just want something to do with it."
All putting ourselves through the gambit of emotions just to be part of something, someone...love.

-n

Confetti Covered Floor

Move into every relationship with an open mind. Each individual begins with the same level of adoration, respect and liking. So what changes? What makes someone a best friend and what makes someone a frienemy? Emotions. It's all that comes to mind.

I run the inquiry past a friend and the response is 'I keep people in tiers.' Tiers? The first thought that comes to mind is 'effort' it takes a lot to create a mental hierarchy, using precious energy and mental power. In everything a natural order works itself out, how often you see someone, how long you spend with them, how well you get along. Within a society that over-booking is normal, I'd like to think I can leave the people in my life to a 'honor system' so-to-speak.





I give freely - so take freely.
I give everything - what you need is here.
Loyalty always - come through when asked.
Trust all - think before you abuse it.




Completely possible that I give freely as a way to keep things easy and stress to a minimum. Habits developed as a result of wanting to keep the energy put in, to a minimum. Which takes me to a thought, possibly even a concern that, I am too realistic for my emotions. Looking at this situation I think to myself, Have I been too nice? Not in the 'someone has walked all over me' way, but closer to the 'you had a little too much slack and hung yourself' way. Appreciation is important, yet rarely brought up as a key point or need. For each aspect in a relationship, there should be appreciation right behind it to make that particular relationship unique and valuable.
Of course in life, not everyone has the same outlook and each person does not handle relationships with similar actions. Never expecting individuals to do what you might consider the 'right' thing. There will be always be a person who comes along and takes all the cookies out of the cookie jar, fucking it up the for the rest of us. Making that space a little harder to fill, a little more jaded for the next relationship. Each person has their own bottom line that needs to be taken into consideration. When all that lust filled confetti has fallen...after the newness has warn off...company alone no longer fills the need...are you in the red or black? What are you left with?

Blank shreds of colored paper surround a single silhouette. For better or worse...you will always have more to sprinkle your path.

-n

Would be Conquest

A glint of pride as he talks of his wife. This man describes the last year of new joy from marriage.

A story I love. Happily Ever After. While I'm all too understanding in what life can throw at us. I still sit back and enjoy watching someone plan the day that will start the rest of their lives. For the duration of the marriage that is. Even in knowing something just won't last, I watch them enjoy the ride and detailed dance it takes to keep the show up.
Should there be a disclaimer 'Shelf life, not forever.'?

Overhear a sigh of content, as he tells his lunch date that he's changed so much...feels so whole. Can't wait to make things better, be better for her, their life and the children she wants to bring into the world. He catches my eye as that last bit is mentioned and lends me a smile of comradery, as if there is an understanding that I too want children ::mentally, throws self down stairs:: I continue to listen while I sip my latte, my lunch date is late and it works out because I would like to keep listening to see where this goes.

"So how is the sex. Ya, know...since you broke the seal and all." His friend ask with a little caution but the curiosity driving this line of question is not stopping him from getting an answer. I hold my latte to my lips as to not draw attention to myself, the man looks around as if he is about to open Pandora's Box. At least I hope that is what he is about to bring to the surface, his face is older than his age...you can tell he's been down many different paths, none of them leading him where he truly wants to be. But perhaps that is because he doesn't yet know where he wants to be or needs to be.
"I've tried everything." He finally says in almost a whisper. His friend doesn't quite know what it means, he starts with a smile "So she's into a little everything?" he prompts. My mind is working through the tone of the newlyweds comment about his wife, not a happy tone...more of a solace tone, what ever is about to come out is bad. Poof, goes 'Happily Ever After'.
The man looks at his friend with a look that I can only describe as pain, it seems his cup was filled to the rim and this line of questioning was just too much, he pours everything out in what seems like one breath. "It's been so long, we don't have sex, when we do I can never finish or even come close, she doesn't enjoy it, she still thinks sex is evil, how am I suppose to change years of suppression?!? We haven't talked about it in a long time, now that I've brought it up we fight all the time, I love her, but I don't know if this will be fixable, marriages end over less. I've started noticing other woman, I can't taste my food, all I want is to love my wife and feel it in return from her."
Silence for a long moment, it's clear his friend has nothing tangible to offer and with a subject so vast, where do you start? Finally with a humbled look his friend ask the only question he can, "What are you going to do?".

"Stay the course."

Nothing more. My mind is racing with objections, thoughts, scenarios, everything, but I stay silent ::cause, how rude would that be!:: Where do you draw the line? Cut your losses. Every situation is different, but the key is knowing and being comfortable with yourself. Without knowing your own limits you can't make the right decision. This guy knew himself pretty well but not well enough, there was a great deal of denial playing in this choice also. Everyday we're faced with decisions to make, some make them, some avoid, some regret and everyday I'm thankful that I know myself well enough to know what's best for me. That's all you can really aim for knowing what is best for you, not worrying about what anyone else is doing, because like you they will all make their own decisions, there is nothing you can do about it. What people may see as selfishness, I know is confidence. I'm confident enough to live by that view 'All you can control, is yourself'.
So in the instance that the part of your life you are unhappy with is controlled by someone else, when do you know to stay to course or cut your losses of a lost conquest.

-n

Sucker for a Sunset

It makes sense, I think to myself...I've always like sunsets better than sunrises. But I don't give him this explanation, instead I leave him to wonder what the hell I mean. The rumor about me liking to torture...it's a little true ::at least I'm honest:: I can't help myself really...and anyways I'll be the first to tell you, I'm not nice.
"What did you say?"
Well the words just kinda slipped.
"What words?" She says to me with an all too serious look.
Not those words, crazy!
"Oh, then why are you so concerned?"
I'm not. You are.

I didn't miss him, I didn't think much on him while he was gone, but when I saw him the word just kind came out. I could have stopped them but I wanted to see what would happen.

I like you like sunsets.

Even not knowing what it meant, he looked at me and smiled. Held me close and looked deep into my eyes. The only thought I had in the moment, was please don't respond with the dreaded three words. Cause if that happens, you've never seen a girl get dressed and in the car so fast.

"Why? I thought you liked him."
This particular friend is completely not understanding in instances like this, her nightly dream and life goal is to be loved, taken care of, barefoot and pregnant. A thought that brings the word 'vomit' to mind for me. But I love her point of view on my life, how crazy she thinks I am for wanting and needing things completely simple.

I do like him.
"And?"
And nothing else, I like him we have fun, and while it stays just so, I will keep him.
"You are so strange!"
I know.

Could be the colors, I do love color. But then again it could be the way he touches my face, the same way a sunset warms then cools the skin every night. Perhaps is the ever change that surrounds him, no two sunsets are the same.
What I find myself looking forward to the most about sunsets is that there will be another great one tomorrow.
-n

Ever Hunter

Seeing something.
Perhaps someone.
Sizing them up.
Deciding you want it.
Pursuing.
Taking in all forms possible.
Stopping only with surrender.
With a final pause of triumph.
Glimpse to the side.
Take steps of new interest.

Go on...you know you want to.

No one wants to be told they can't make themselves happy, which is how I took the term at first. Thoughts quickly filtered into maybe I just know exactly what makes me happy, and that is the actual 'hunt'. As I sit drinking my latte in the perfect window seat, I'm able to see lots of people, all different, all approaching things from a different view. Hunters and Gatherers...Lions and Lambs...Wanters and Givers. Definitely a hunter, and last time I check that is not a bad thing.
Why settle for what comes your way, in any instance? On that note, why would you let someone make you think that 'they' are as good as it gets?! I have a friend who likes to say 'Girls are always looking to trade up'. Of course we are! We're f*ing smart. Yes, there will be a time, when every woman decides this is 'the' man. But until then, nothing and I mean nothing is holding us back, shocked? ::maybe for good reason, I mean it in the worst of ways::
Before my male readers think they are getting away with something, you are just as guilty as us. Mentally I would say you guys have the same thoughts all the time, it's the actual act that separates. Men are, for lack of a better term lazier about things like this. If a guy is just happy enough and gets just enough of his needs met chances are he will not go anywhere, he might think about it heavily, he might even cheat here and there. But to start all over, new relationship, learn a new person, too much work...besides he was happy enough before. Point being that everyone thinks about another life, perhaps a better life, I take that back most think about those things. I suppose there is a little hunter in all of us, but this term makes me think of the 'art' of the hunt. Or at least making it into an art, being so good people don't even see it coming. By that description...uh huh that's me. Watch out or don't gonna get ya anyways.
-n

Photo of Clouded Leopard, National Zoo

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

Gone are the days of woman sitting on a hill, hopefully pulling petals off of some poor flower.
These days we focus more on the art of bringing men to there knees without them even realizing it's happening. No, not because we like to be cruel ::maybe for some of us:: more because while there are no two woman alike, we're just a different breed these days. Why sit and wait for a man, for love, for any thing we want really. When I get asked for advice about relationships and love, I say just tell them what you want. Get over here, take off your clothes. I know a little too direct for some, but really you should give it a try, it's fun.
Romance. To all you guys out there who dart around the car to open the door, pull the chair out at dinner, stand when we stand, or go as far to offer us the last scoop of ice cream ::wait that never happens:: Hats off to you. Of course romance still has a place in every day, in every life, but has the face of romance changed? I know the things that stick with me about someone change all the time, a touch on the chin, a sultry look from across the room, and always confidence. I love confident men, I would go as far to say that I have a complete fetish for confident men ::but that's enough about me:: In giving my straight forward advice I often hear the comment, that's not very romantic.
What does romance look like today? When I asked the question I got answers from all over the place. Most noticeable, Porn and Pizza! There is nothing better than when my girl has a new porn playing and pizza waiting for me when I get home, that is when I know in my heart that I picked a girl who loves me and I will love forever. From that answer I gather, yes, romance has changed. The chances of your grandparents watching porn together over pizza, admit it...are slim to none. When they dated romance was, a pin on the shirt and sharing a milkshake. On that note, I still think still think sharing milkshakes is romantic, but realistically I don't want to share my milkshake, I want my own and my extra refill tin.
Real. I grew up raised to eat, sleep, and live fairy tales, knowing that someday my price charming would come along and swoop me off my feet to the very large castle that waited just beyond that perfect sunset. But today, I have a very realistic view of my present and future, what I have today, what I want tomorrow, what I can strive for later. Am I too logical for my emotions? When I look at the woman around me they are strong, independent, and taking over the world ::uh huh, I said it:: And as a result of that, these woman raise their brilliant little girls to be brilliant woman, never waiting for anything to be given to them, working hard for what they want, and believing in themselves. As we raise this newer breed of woman will romance still hold fast? Will these reality based, head strong, non-raised on Fairy Tale woman still have an image of romance that has to do with flowers and surprises? Or will it be based on accomplishments and work ethic?
All these thoughts swirling in my mind, ending with the same feeling. I never regret falling in love, I hold each of those people dear in my heart. Maybe not in the same way, but with notice that each of these people made me the lover I am today. Romance, to me is anything that will stay with you longer than the moment, anything you can bounce back to and smile about. That being said I believe that romance can be all of the things listed above from a secret caress to talent and even a flower.
While I started out to write about the different ways woman and men approach love today, I think I hit closer on the note of, Romance...where are you? I'm often quoted to say Do it to it, while it's a silly saying I feel humbled when I hear someone else say it, because it takes me back to the feeling of why I like to say it so much. You want that something, little or big? Than go get it...do it.

-n

Photo of Roses in Feb

Old School Playa

Play the game much?
I have to admit this question took me a little by surprise, while most don't. But for a virtual stranger to one accuse me of one being a player and than two ask me about it was well...strange. What answer we're they really looking for? Is this one of those instances that I'm suppose to be brutally honest and get all the shock value I deserve? or Was this person really waiting for an answer that would put them at ease in knowing that there is no such thing. Not feeling sassy as usual I shake my head and act like I have no idea what that word even means. They seem immediately put at ease, happy in their own thoughts of life and perhaps of me.

This simple question brings up all kinds of thoughts, What is a player in this day and age? So I look to the examples right around me and find a little of old school and a little new age. Old school comes in the form a looks perfect on paper guy, he has everything going for him. Yet, he still plays the game like he's a pimp ::not in the taking money from tricks kind:: More like he sweet talks all the girls, and doesn't tell the full truth to any of them. When ever I interact with him it makes me wonder why? Maybe a lack in confidence that he can carry more than one girl honestly...maybe he just likes the art of having all these girls in 'love' with him. Why would you want to be constantly on? Never being able to relax, but maybe the adrenalin is enough, all the girls having what they think are real feelings for you, all of them wanting you in the same way, all of them thinking that there is a possibility when there really isn't. I guess it could be entertaining for a hot second, but for life no thanks.

When I look to the other side of the spectrum, I feel like it's the closest that we'll ever get to the good ol' days of free love, that is with all those scary stds running around these days. I get an explanation of, if you're gonna hold something on the side with a main serious thing...you gotta be honest with everyone else. In situations like that you only lie to one person, everyone else has to be understanding of whats real. Once I looked at it that way, you really can get much further that way. Even if there wasn't one person you lied to and you were just honest with everyone in your life. It would be a much easier way to live and enjoy, most people think of guys when I start to talk about things like this. But in this day and age the 'new age' girls are all over the place and killing the market like no other ::yup I just called it a market:: Everything is business around here.
So while guys love to think that they are all a girl needs and the sun/moon in our lives, be put on notice...we are crazy. Alright had to get that out there, but more and more my girlfriends are getting away from the pretense that you must always have a serious boyfriend. Now we lean towards enjoying life, being young, and getting what we need. That being my most important point how often do you meet someone and you like 60% of their person, but there are a few things you would change. Well how about finding someone else who you might like 70% of their person and another you might just like 50% of. But in this equation you like each person for something different so all of those different needs you have are met to the fullest. Someone to have dinner with, someone to rent movies with, someone to hit the town with, someone to love with, or maybe that's a good part of all of them. Sounds pretty nice right? For some people it is, for some it's easy to separate each person and relationship. For others the emotions alone are too much and that's alright the key is knowing yourself enough to say when.

But my question still lingers with me...why in this day and age would you play by the old rules? A time when you could love each person and relationship for what it is, seems like a lot of people would be happier and there would be a lot less of broken heart syndrome. I don't use the word love lightly, but once you find comfort with yourself everything else will come.

-n

Photo of the Lincoln Memorial

Spanking Should Be Spontaneous

We're not talking about at tap on the ass as we pass through the door in front of you. No, we're talking about a spanking. When asked if I like spanking, I have to pause before answering. Do I like spanking? Sure, when it's appropriate...Wait, not too hard... but not too light... Wait, do I even like spankings?! But there was that one guy... but then that one time... The list could go on and on.

When really it all comes down to a moment, the moment. Any guy who tries to spank me better be damn confident in his actions, because a half-hearted spank could completely kill the mood. Like 'put my pants back on and walk out the door' mood killer.

So over a sushi lunch I bring up spankings and the opinions fly, along with a fair share of judgement. After all spankings aren't for everyone ::maybe biting is more along your lines:: While the boldest of the group is revealed by her liking for a good ol' fashion mark on the hiney. I look at her and explain there is nothing old fashion about that! Confirmed...Some like it hard. Now I hear from the other side of the table, 'I just like squeezing!'. We all send a puzzled look, which told her we were not all on the same page as she broke into explanation. 'Ya' know, when the guy is holding on to you...grabbing really anywhere and everywhere.' A collective nod reaches the table, but that is a subject for another day. The conversation moves into a memory of the first time, 'He just smacked me! I wasn't expecting it, but it was sooo good! Now it's something I look forward.' As expected woman are all over the chart with spanking etiquette, so I move to the other half in hope of more detail opinions.

Unlike the women, the guys got quite excited at the question and stories started to pour in. 'Woman hate being spanked.'
'Not mine, they love it.'
'One spanked me back, that was weird.'
'I always choke, with my hand half way there.'
'How hard is too hard?'
But in the midst of it, one turns to me and ask if I like spanking. My answer is as long as it's done right. Don't just do it...DO IT. With a little shock and amazement across their faces, the group breaks into all kinds of tangents. The most common, all the guys would like to try it. Something I've learned is guys are collectors, they like to have one of everything, a threesome, a super kinky girl, the girl next door, an asian, a blowjob goddess. The original questionee, nods his head and almost yells.

'Do it with some damn conviction.'

Somehow the conversation spirals into, guys wishing girls gave head with conviction ::again a story for another day:: So on that note I exit the conversation with some good info. It seems that this question could not have come at a better time, that or there is a spanking spree spreading through the people I know, because I can say that I've been asked more than three times what I think about spanking. Funny you should ask...check out my blog. You can my thoughts and a few more, but to answer your question.

I think it should be spontaneous.

-n

Photo of AA in the city, can you see her?

I Love Hearing You Smile

Edating, eaffairs, ebreakups... a time when any relationship can be virtual based. We've come leaps and bounds from the good old 'Mail Order Bride' days to the 'Email Order Bride with Paypal Account now accepted' days.
When lack of self esteem, work, and general life get in the way, people young and old turn to online dating services to get serious and find love in a timely manner on the regular. New in town? Looking for new friends to drink with? New person to cuddle with or maybe just some strange... please see 'personals' via craigslist. A self proclaimed craiglist queen myself, it is my solution for everything and the first place I start research about any random thought that comes to mind. So why would I stop at antique furniture, vacation homes, and job hunting? When one source has everyone and everything you are looking for...

I suppose it would be the lack of physical, but then again find a good writer and you can almost forget all about the physical. But taking it back to when chat became the preferred way to meet and keep in touch with people, the general steps are always the same. Chat with someone have fun once a week, chats pick up to daily, chats pickup to all day. Wait...All Day?! You don't talk to anyone all day, but as a direct result that many jobs are spent all day in front of computers, you have just allowed this personality to walk right into your life and thoughts, that no one else gets a glimpse. I use the word personality because there is no person that goes with this screen name, even with unbelievable connection. A screen name will always be just that, enter what some people may see as the exciting part...not knowing. The whole life and person that you've chatted with could be makebelieve, someones imagination...that has now taken over your imagination.
That doesn't stop anyone, move on to swapping phone numbers. Does this person really speak how they type? Are they as bold over the phone? In the comfort of your own world with the safety of just being able to log-off, may give the extra push to go ahead and tell this personality everything and anything. But link a voice and a name with your screen name and you take the first steps out of that, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. The first conversation filled with butterflies and nerves, but so worth it. Now maybe take a step back, there was enjoyment but a safe step back is better. Couple of days go by, the chats pick up again, the phone calls pick up, the comfort level picks up.
Hold your breath and press the 'send' button, your image just zoomed across cyber space into some strangers grasp, giving them permission to do whatever they would like with it ::whatever:: With a heartbeat skip you open...new email with attachment. With an seemingly equal amount of risk invested, thoughts drift to the next step.
The next adrenalin rush.
The step that could be considered the make or break, but the make or break of what? and whom? No one. Two screen names, linked to countless hours of chatting, and the hope that you land safely after your leap of faith. From here it looks like this step could bring happiness, but sorrow is also lurking close by. Why take the steps into reality, to feed the need of knowledge or maybe the need for that physical piece to finish the puzzle...all of these come at a high price of possibly not having all of the above again.

So maybe this corner of your life that has allowed you to pour out your soul, should be left as is. A place to use as a retreat or just a good distraction, I know I need that from time to time. So, while I set out to write about the steps of an online relationship. I might have found my own corner to retreat to, but currently it's laced with the contentment of chatting, talking and learning. There's not much else to do...

When all you have are words.

-n

Photo of the Key Bridge and Overlooking Georgetown

Finding Creativity

You move through life, learning about yourself, your likes, dislikes, how you hate, how you love, even how you make love.

Your born and the first part of your life is shaped around the environment provided for you. Some get Super wholesome-filled with love, others Dis'fun'ctionally together with conditional love, maybe even the Non-existent family with voiceless love, the kind better felt but left unsaid.

After a few glasses of wine I find myself in an insightful conversation, the kind that is only brought up by those glasses of wine. How did you grow up? What kind of kid were you? How did that make you who you are?

make

With a childhood the big O would love to make a movie about, I start to think back...

What made me?

My first thought is ::nothing:: I made me, all the experiences I had in life are a part of me but who I am today. Well, I made that. With arguments from the group, your personality is of this, and you traits from that. Then a new sources chimes in, one of my more whispy friends jumps in. I call them whispy, because they live like the wind, breezing along. 'You grow and live to find yourself.'

find

Personally, I'm not looking for me I'm right here ::take me or leave me:: Yes, there was a time and point when I became comfortable with me and what I am but I don't think I needed to be found. No, I don't like this reasoning either. While I get my thoughts together to explain to the others, I'm reminded of a line I heard somewhere along the lines and kept close to my heart.

Life is not about finding yourself but creating who you want to be.

I created me.

I took everything I love about being a woman, being funny, being strong, loving, loyal, caring and put them together. This person has a can't be missed personality, intense, hilarious, crazy, sweet and sexy. I wouldn't have it any other way, through the losses and gains in my life, the comfort always comes from being me.

-n

Photo Taken from Theodore Roosevelt Island