Salt

 

 Feeling cool sheets on her skin she is reminded of how very alone she felt. A chill crawls down her spine as winter winds toss carelessly through the open window.  Christmas again, every year the same sad feelings and while there are moments that the overwhelmingly cheery disposition of those around her may sweep her up, the distraction last for just that, a moment.  Until she sinks back into the comforting darkness she has learned to appreciate, the same darkness that envelopes her with a sense of wanting. Taking from her every emotion she has to offer and replacing them with a coolness that touches her to the core. 

Leaving her empty. Taking away the weight that sits on her shoulders all day, the emptiness is a welcome change to the general discontentment that consumes her every thought.  Having no fight left the strong woman feels fragile, a stranger to herself the mirror gives no clue to what once was.  Twisted images enter her mind playing with her weakened state.  Proving all the fears she carried through the day are true, there is nothing left to the back of her mind, in the darkeness all doubts are brought to the forefront.  Tears break through, seeming to take the hurt with them. Exhausted from crying, the tears have dried up leaving nothing but trails of salt.  Taking everything that boiled over, everything that she could no longer hold, everything she no longer needed to hold.  Finally a full breath reaches her lungs, she flips her pillow to find the dry side and just like that a new day has started.

-n

Some Say

It's my dream and I'm going to see it through.  One day, soon.

I will never settle for a person that I don't think will be an amazing husband. My husband will be an amazing person that makes me want to better myself every day. He will be humble yet confident. Wholesome and fun. Understanding, forgiving, tolerant with strong values. He will be at one with himself, his life, past and future. He will have dreams, big ones, little ones, goals and drive.  He will be strong, he will always be my rock. He will hold me above others and understand we are the team. He will always catch my tears.  My husband will gain my trust, respect and be my other half. Stand with me always as a solid union.  My husband is my superman.  I've never been married.  I'm only going to do it once.  He has to be everything because to me this is it.

-n

Injustice

Walking in the summer heat I think of you. A cozy balminess laces my body as tears fill my soul. They haven't yet reached my eyes but they weigh on me as words can't describe. I fight the urge to collapse...here where I stand, I fight the urge to voice the injustice I feel.  It hurts, to deny myself.  It pains me to question the truths I believe.
Walking in the summer heat, tears tug at what's left of my self control. I miss you and want nothing more than to feel you in my arms. I hate you and wish you would disappear from my fondest memories.  I can't live with out you as I watch lovebirds coon together, my life will never be complete with you as you tear me in two beyond my control.
Walking in the summer heat, tears run down my cheeks, as I try in vain to hold myself. A pit fills my stomach and I wonder wholeheartedly, if there is a path for us.  Question whether this feeling that sends my heart to swell, is my imagination protecting me?  Is this real?  Why do I fight a feeling I dream of?  Or are dreams simply that.  The thoughts and reality you wish for, never to touch in the most perfect day.

Walking in the summer heat I cry.

-N

Secrets

The brilliant darkness envolpes me like a silk blanket. Feeling the coolness around me, I see nothing behind and nothing in front. The sound of my own breath and the feel of my slowing pulse comfort the racing thoughts in my mind.
Sleep now, rest with in. The only thought I wish to hold, simple blank sheet. Every inch covered in a milky white, each corner the same, not one differentiating mark.
I go over the sheet again and again, my mind quiets. My thoughts drift, my tears dry, my pain quells, nothing left but stillness.
Sleep now, rest with in.

-n

L.i.f.e.

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I've posted.  The thought gives me a very bittersweet feeling, my life has been a roller coaster for the last ten months to say the least.  Just as a roller coaster ride there have been high and low points, each bringing me to a new place in life.

I sat on a fallen tree trunk as the pup ran for a distant tree line, continuing her squirrel hunt from our last visit to the park.  Being early spring the sun is still getting use to staying up late, giving me just the right amount of warmth I needed.  As I watched the pup run back and forth my mind drifted to another time...to this time last year.  Where was I?  Thinking harder now to fill what seemed to be a life time of memories ago, I couldn't believe how many differences there were.  Virtually nothing was the same besides where I lived but even that didn't carry the same meaning to me now.  Today, if you were to ask about my apartment, I would say that I love it and am never ever giving it up!  A year ago I wasn't completely happy with anything about the apartment the location and anything around it that I wasn't use to.  A new job that takes up most of my life, that I enjoy excelling at and hate laboring through all at the same time.  Talk about a double edge blade, there are many time a week I look around me and ask myself, what the eff I'm doing!  Because I moved, many friends that I was used to seeing based on distance became once a month phone calls if we were lucky.  Abundance of new friends were made, many a product of my new job and the amount of time I spend doing it.

 New life.  I've come leaps and bounds in differences in the last year and the result feels like a completely new life.  I'm excited that it's still a life I can be proud of but I haven't taken my eye off ambitions and goals I set for my self a year ago and may not have gotten to yet.  That makes me smile, I'm happy to know that with all that's taken over my daily living I still have a vision of where I will be one day.  What I'm going to do for myself...that's exciting.

Looking back at my writing I see so much emotion, there's been no lack of it in the past months just lack of energy to express it well.  Taking the time to get a handle on my new surroundings has given me that extra time to make those phone calls to say hi, take a moment to write and enjoy friends I've missed dearly.  So while every post isn't going to be a masterpiece it will be published and not sitting in draft form.  It is strange that I've forgotten how amazing it feels to write, it's a release to get it out of the constant cycle in my mind.  Perhaps I'll sleep more soundly tonight, I hope that the sweetest of dreams are waiting for each of you in your slumbers tonight.

-n