Salt

 

 Feeling cool sheets on her skin she is reminded of how very alone she felt. A chill crawls down her spine as winter winds toss carelessly through the open window.  Christmas again, every year the same sad feelings and while there are moments that the overwhelmingly cheery disposition of those around her may sweep her up, the distraction last for just that, a moment.  Until she sinks back into the comforting darkness she has learned to appreciate, the same darkness that envelopes her with a sense of wanting. Taking from her every emotion she has to offer and replacing them with a coolness that touches her to the core. 

Leaving her empty. Taking away the weight that sits on her shoulders all day, the emptiness is a welcome change to the general discontentment that consumes her every thought.  Having no fight left the strong woman feels fragile, a stranger to herself the mirror gives no clue to what once was.  Twisted images enter her mind playing with her weakened state.  Proving all the fears she carried through the day are true, there is nothing left to the back of her mind, in the darkeness all doubts are brought to the forefront.  Tears break through, seeming to take the hurt with them. Exhausted from crying, the tears have dried up leaving nothing but trails of salt.  Taking everything that boiled over, everything that she could no longer hold, everything she no longer needed to hold.  Finally a full breath reaches her lungs, she flips her pillow to find the dry side and just like that a new day has started.

-n

Injustice

Walking in the summer heat I think of you. A cozy balminess laces my body as tears fill my soul. They haven't yet reached my eyes but they weigh on me as words can't describe. I fight the urge to collapse...here where I stand, I fight the urge to voice the injustice I feel.  It hurts, to deny myself.  It pains me to question the truths I believe.
Walking in the summer heat, tears tug at what's left of my self control. I miss you and want nothing more than to feel you in my arms. I hate you and wish you would disappear from my fondest memories.  I can't live with out you as I watch lovebirds coon together, my life will never be complete with you as you tear me in two beyond my control.
Walking in the summer heat, tears run down my cheeks, as I try in vain to hold myself. A pit fills my stomach and I wonder wholeheartedly, if there is a path for us.  Question whether this feeling that sends my heart to swell, is my imagination protecting me?  Is this real?  Why do I fight a feeling I dream of?  Or are dreams simply that.  The thoughts and reality you wish for, never to touch in the most perfect day.

Walking in the summer heat I cry.

-N

L.i.f.e.

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I've posted.  The thought gives me a very bittersweet feeling, my life has been a roller coaster for the last ten months to say the least.  Just as a roller coaster ride there have been high and low points, each bringing me to a new place in life.

I sat on a fallen tree trunk as the pup ran for a distant tree line, continuing her squirrel hunt from our last visit to the park.  Being early spring the sun is still getting use to staying up late, giving me just the right amount of warmth I needed.  As I watched the pup run back and forth my mind drifted to another time...to this time last year.  Where was I?  Thinking harder now to fill what seemed to be a life time of memories ago, I couldn't believe how many differences there were.  Virtually nothing was the same besides where I lived but even that didn't carry the same meaning to me now.  Today, if you were to ask about my apartment, I would say that I love it and am never ever giving it up!  A year ago I wasn't completely happy with anything about the apartment the location and anything around it that I wasn't use to.  A new job that takes up most of my life, that I enjoy excelling at and hate laboring through all at the same time.  Talk about a double edge blade, there are many time a week I look around me and ask myself, what the eff I'm doing!  Because I moved, many friends that I was used to seeing based on distance became once a month phone calls if we were lucky.  Abundance of new friends were made, many a product of my new job and the amount of time I spend doing it.

 New life.  I've come leaps and bounds in differences in the last year and the result feels like a completely new life.  I'm excited that it's still a life I can be proud of but I haven't taken my eye off ambitions and goals I set for my self a year ago and may not have gotten to yet.  That makes me smile, I'm happy to know that with all that's taken over my daily living I still have a vision of where I will be one day.  What I'm going to do for myself...that's exciting.

Looking back at my writing I see so much emotion, there's been no lack of it in the past months just lack of energy to express it well.  Taking the time to get a handle on my new surroundings has given me that extra time to make those phone calls to say hi, take a moment to write and enjoy friends I've missed dearly.  So while every post isn't going to be a masterpiece it will be published and not sitting in draft form.  It is strange that I've forgotten how amazing it feels to write, it's a release to get it out of the constant cycle in my mind.  Perhaps I'll sleep more soundly tonight, I hope that the sweetest of dreams are waiting for each of you in your slumbers tonight.

-n

Dance

Meet by chance, keep walking.

Cordial talk, no second thought.

An offer made, an offer passed on.

Second offer made, sip and talk.

Still no second thought.

Humor passes, watch, listen, feel.

Intermission of separation, thoughts stir.

Curb, cheek to cheek, cab pulls away.

Line for a line, curiosity weaves through stars.

Rain, overted eyes, changed focus.

Sun, clever smiles with bittersweet parting.

Promises of company pulls, feet act on their own.

Navigate through the crowds, a complimenting team - nothing more.

Swirl in a glass, drama in a dress.

Tears flow, the peace maker is here.

Handy addition, shows value.

Evaluating eyes, dress and heels render powerless.

Verbatim speech tickles the tongue, touch the senses.

Perfect presentation, hidden protection.

Admiration flows into adoration like footsteps in the waves.

Dance, twirl, dip, spin, smile, blush, lead...follow.

Notice taken, doesn't stop an amazing sight.

Say goodnight, say hello - the door opens, the door closes.

Step out of body, into the moment.

Flash, blink, shivers crawl the spine.

Hunger grows, memories fade in the distance.

Walking on grass, organic growth swells.

Step up, lead the plan.

Own it...all.

Accept nothing less than everything.

Worship, melt, power, deep breath to land on two feet.

Flash forward, fear sets in.

Inner fight, strains to protect and maintain.

Confusion and sadness, translated through giving.

Moments of want, forced through unknown terrain.

Pieces hit the floor and shatter to every corner.

Tear stained pillow, painful embrace.

Aching for the past, take the needed steps, say the needed words.

Light speed thoughts warp to cold clarity.

Defend from disappointment so incredible.

Erie calm sets in, mellow like a tornado ski.

Not away, not with, not wanted, not taken, not idea.

Rolling ball stops, court undecided.

Next step taken, door still open.

Sting in every new step, a trail left behind.

Find the path back, collecting tiny glass pieces along the way.

Held together with tears, hope and determination.

Tinted red, the familiar color of passion held so dear.

Heart.

-n

Note

Words for words.  Does that heavy heart make you flinch?  Think about what you have or haven't done, guilt worming it's way into every part of your being...making you want to do one thing.  Make it right.  No, not in this instance.  You want that guilt to go away to a place you don't have to feel it any more because you know it will always...always be there.  Get it all off your chest and do what you feel is going to make is disappear, tell someone about those bad things you did, let them tell you it is ok and that you don't have to worry.  Try night after night to believe that what you have done is the right and best thing.

Then take comfort in the same fact I do.  You will never make that guilt go away because you project it on to yourself, in that very graceful, mature, beautiful, independent, spineless, hurtful, careless, insecure, pitiful way that you do.  My favorite part to the whole act is when you paint it into that piece, titled 'Victim'.  Must have taken long to think up that act, that game, that farce, you feel so necessary to play for everyone.

Stage lights up and watch you dance.  Keeps you out of trouble every time.

Kindred spirits a term you loved to use, meaningless like most of what come out of your mouth.  While you stay there in that place adding more and more paint to a canvas that has turned mellow and mixed with so many colors.  I write this and exhale to what I thought but now am for sure I do not have a need for.

You can let go of your plan to use me as your out.  You found a door long ago because unlike many in your life I never wanted you locked up but maybe that is what you crave.  Do not use me to justify what you know is wrong and indecent.

I held you dear, loved you as my closest, protected that which you held dear, supported your daily whim, gave you loyalty, hugged you when you felt un-huggable.  Not without asking for something in return, in this you are correct.  I wanted a friend, I didn't need you as a friend and I suppose that is the point.

Today, just like all the days past.  I do not need you in my life, especially if you don't want to be.  This was an un-needed refresher course in what trust and loyalty should not look like.  Thank you for so much more than I put in this note and all the things credited to you.

-n

Blink

Getting caught up is a part of life in a good and bad way.  Being completely floored about a project and job that you love with a passion - not everyone gets to do that in a lifetime.  When you've spent years of your life working on a project or pursuing that next great position...where are you when life has passed you by.  You didn't stop to tell that girl you loved her, to adopt that dog you fostered, stay a little longer in that place you really enjoyed.  All instances you would try to avoid in order to keep the your eye on the prize.

What is the prize?

I get it everyone has a different idea of what their working for, what holds value for them.  To each his own...truly.  But in the blink of an eye that is life, could be what you were hoping for, could be the opposite.  One thing that is always the same there is a beginning and end, what you did in the middle are the moments you live in.  While ambitions, drive and goals are of high value.  It is very easy, very real to end it all and realize that much of your journey was spent alone, not including the wild twenties or the random tryst here and there.  That to me is worth taking a step back to look at all that you're working for and deciding where the balance is, what makes the balance, is there balance?
Lend yourself to someone and create something, there is no joy in thriving alone.

-n

Breath with Meaning

Release all that no longer serves you.  Breath. With. Meaning.

While I've been practicing Yoga for many years, it has just recently become so incredibly valuable to me.  Everyone gets busy it's just part of being, I can say that the past year to date has been one of the hardest and I've never been so busy yet so lonely.  It is a humbling awareness. Originally in writing this I had a bit about strength to follow up that statement but it really isn't about being strong.

I can't count the mornings I spent my whole shower repeating the same mantra "You can do this."  I didn't believe a word of it and it never stopped me from crying - no shame in crying in the shower, you're already all wet.  After one of those mornings, a day of work that feels like the world is shitting on you, there is nothing close to the feeling you get laying on a floor with a bunch of strangers...breathing.

Taking in the day that was given to you for three counts and releasing it with the same three counts.  There have been moments when I've worked my ass off in a yoga class and at the end I feel so calm I could cry.  Like a happy-amazed-silly cry.  When the realization that all the shit from the day...was indeed just that.  Shit...which is something no one keeps around, we flush it.  Flushing out the stress that for me, sits right in between my shoulder blades is worth every minute of staring at hairy guys ass mullet for the whole class...yah it's a real thing.

With this hard year, lots of change has come as well.  Isn't that always the way?  Change is hard, exciting, life altering, lonely...you never know what you're going to get and you have to make it through what ever the future holds.  I can say with an air of calm, I let go of that which no longer holds value, breath with meaning and never look back...ever.

-n

Waves

What a crazy emotional day.  I've been loved, felt like shit, laughed my ass off, felt like a hero, fought back tears, found value in myself, hugged so tight I couldn't breath, pushed away so hard the wind was knocked out of my chest.  All ending with nothing more than me, taking it all in for what it is...each moment building my life.

The tear trails that once overwhelmed my palms now a distant memory, replaced with a content smile.  I'm so happy to be here, to learn from those who cross my path and to gain from those who share wisdom.

I thought nothing of it, light-hearted the whole way.  Taking each day, opening a new door.  I tripped first, but gained my footing better than before, in the same moment I let my hand slip away, never to be held again.  A break came making an un-expecting heart shatter like a glass ball dropped five stories to the ground.  Not only impossible to fix but how could you possibly find all the pieces.  While their not lost to myself, I'll keep them hidden for now.  Waves of emotion pass over me some sweet, some stinging, I still smile.

With the notion that right now I feel whole.  I made the decision months ago and it couldn't be more fitting for this moment, my next tattoo...  'True Form' language yet to be determined, right now at this point, I feel fully myself...some people never even get to a point in life that they can say they're completely themselves.  I'm at that point and loving it.

-n

Pit Solo

A dark place never seen, yet listened to explicitly.  With just a twist the soul is plunged into the depths, nothing but the sound rushing over head.  Weight from the growth pulling...pushing...crushing.  Even as you keep the horizon in view loss of control eats what is left of sanity, taking your thoughts.  There is no need to grasp.  At anything.  This trip, this rush, this torture is for you alone, self induced, concern is pushed away.  Pulling from deep down, stifle with out a choice, suffocation threatens until survival kicks in and is held more sacred than the heart.

I lied through my teeth, fighting the feeling the crept up and seemed to cripple me.  Once welcome butterflies flew away and I was left with a knotting pain in the pit of my stomach.  Tears pushed at the rims of my lashes, all to maintain a feeling of false control, to avoid breaching anything we might not make it back from.  The sensation that came from the pit of my stomach was only second to that of my breaking heart, cracking in the way it so often does.  Always the same stress fractures waiting for just the right amount of pressure.  As you lay your head down with promises of sweet dreams, I plot on how to mend these few pieces with a sweet dream of my own in the back of my mind, that you might mend them for me.

-n

Photo courtesy of David Barber @odoketa; http://www.davidbarber.org/