Note

Words for words.  Does that heavy heart make you flinch?  Think about what you have or haven't done, guilt worming it's way into every part of your being...making you want to do one thing.  Make it right.  No, not in this instance.  You want that guilt to go away to a place you don't have to feel it any more because you know it will always...always be there.  Get it all off your chest and do what you feel is going to make is disappear, tell someone about those bad things you did, let them tell you it is ok and that you don't have to worry.  Try night after night to believe that what you have done is the right and best thing.

Then take comfort in the same fact I do.  You will never make that guilt go away because you project it on to yourself, in that very graceful, mature, beautiful, independent, spineless, hurtful, careless, insecure, pitiful way that you do.  My favorite part to the whole act is when you paint it into that piece, titled 'Victim'.  Must have taken long to think up that act, that game, that farce, you feel so necessary to play for everyone.

Stage lights up and watch you dance.  Keeps you out of trouble every time.

Kindred spirits a term you loved to use, meaningless like most of what come out of your mouth.  While you stay there in that place adding more and more paint to a canvas that has turned mellow and mixed with so many colors.  I write this and exhale to what I thought but now am for sure I do not have a need for.

You can let go of your plan to use me as your out.  You found a door long ago because unlike many in your life I never wanted you locked up but maybe that is what you crave.  Do not use me to justify what you know is wrong and indecent.

I held you dear, loved you as my closest, protected that which you held dear, supported your daily whim, gave you loyalty, hugged you when you felt un-huggable.  Not without asking for something in return, in this you are correct.  I wanted a friend, I didn't need you as a friend and I suppose that is the point.

Today, just like all the days past.  I do not need you in my life, especially if you don't want to be.  This was an un-needed refresher course in what trust and loyalty should not look like.  Thank you for so much more than I put in this note and all the things credited to you.

-n