Note

Words for words.  Does that heavy heart make you flinch?  Think about what you have or haven't done, guilt worming it's way into every part of your being...making you want to do one thing.  Make it right.  No, not in this instance.  You want that guilt to go away to a place you don't have to feel it any more because you know it will always...always be there.  Get it all off your chest and do what you feel is going to make is disappear, tell someone about those bad things you did, let them tell you it is ok and that you don't have to worry.  Try night after night to believe that what you have done is the right and best thing.

Then take comfort in the same fact I do.  You will never make that guilt go away because you project it on to yourself, in that very graceful, mature, beautiful, independent, spineless, hurtful, careless, insecure, pitiful way that you do.  My favorite part to the whole act is when you paint it into that piece, titled 'Victim'.  Must have taken long to think up that act, that game, that farce, you feel so necessary to play for everyone.

Stage lights up and watch you dance.  Keeps you out of trouble every time.

Kindred spirits a term you loved to use, meaningless like most of what come out of your mouth.  While you stay there in that place adding more and more paint to a canvas that has turned mellow and mixed with so many colors.  I write this and exhale to what I thought but now am for sure I do not have a need for.

You can let go of your plan to use me as your out.  You found a door long ago because unlike many in your life I never wanted you locked up but maybe that is what you crave.  Do not use me to justify what you know is wrong and indecent.

I held you dear, loved you as my closest, protected that which you held dear, supported your daily whim, gave you loyalty, hugged you when you felt un-huggable.  Not without asking for something in return, in this you are correct.  I wanted a friend, I didn't need you as a friend and I suppose that is the point.

Today, just like all the days past.  I do not need you in my life, especially if you don't want to be.  This was an un-needed refresher course in what trust and loyalty should not look like.  Thank you for so much more than I put in this note and all the things credited to you.

-n

Blink

Getting caught up is a part of life in a good and bad way.  Being completely floored about a project and job that you love with a passion - not everyone gets to do that in a lifetime.  When you've spent years of your life working on a project or pursuing that next great position...where are you when life has passed you by.  You didn't stop to tell that girl you loved her, to adopt that dog you fostered, stay a little longer in that place you really enjoyed.  All instances you would try to avoid in order to keep the your eye on the prize.

What is the prize?

I get it everyone has a different idea of what their working for, what holds value for them.  To each his own...truly.  But in the blink of an eye that is life, could be what you were hoping for, could be the opposite.  One thing that is always the same there is a beginning and end, what you did in the middle are the moments you live in.  While ambitions, drive and goals are of high value.  It is very easy, very real to end it all and realize that much of your journey was spent alone, not including the wild twenties or the random tryst here and there.  That to me is worth taking a step back to look at all that you're working for and deciding where the balance is, what makes the balance, is there balance?
Lend yourself to someone and create something, there is no joy in thriving alone.

-n

Breath with Meaning

Release all that no longer serves you.  Breath. With. Meaning.

While I've been practicing Yoga for many years, it has just recently become so incredibly valuable to me.  Everyone gets busy it's just part of being, I can say that the past year to date has been one of the hardest and I've never been so busy yet so lonely.  It is a humbling awareness. Originally in writing this I had a bit about strength to follow up that statement but it really isn't about being strong.

I can't count the mornings I spent my whole shower repeating the same mantra "You can do this."  I didn't believe a word of it and it never stopped me from crying - no shame in crying in the shower, you're already all wet.  After one of those mornings, a day of work that feels like the world is shitting on you, there is nothing close to the feeling you get laying on a floor with a bunch of strangers...breathing.

Taking in the day that was given to you for three counts and releasing it with the same three counts.  There have been moments when I've worked my ass off in a yoga class and at the end I feel so calm I could cry.  Like a happy-amazed-silly cry.  When the realization that all the shit from the day...was indeed just that.  Shit...which is something no one keeps around, we flush it.  Flushing out the stress that for me, sits right in between my shoulder blades is worth every minute of staring at hairy guys ass mullet for the whole class...yah it's a real thing.

With this hard year, lots of change has come as well.  Isn't that always the way?  Change is hard, exciting, life altering, lonely...you never know what you're going to get and you have to make it through what ever the future holds.  I can say with an air of calm, I let go of that which no longer holds value, breath with meaning and never look back...ever.

-n

Amazing Gift

When couples write their own vows the precedence behind it being that they love the other person so much, it should be simple words should just come to them.  With what I've witnessed in couple that have tried to overcome this feat is that it couldn't be farther from the truth.  If there comes a day that you can say what seems like a hallmark card out loud to someone you care about...say it often cause when it's over there is never a time you think back and say "I said I love you too much."

Extraordinary

Few can aspire to be so unique
Few can claim to be one of a kind
Few can say they are their own person
Few can walk their own true line

But you do so, without a thought
You amaze me with your grace and poise
Your style can’t be begged, borrowed or bought
Your attitude and manner, uniquely your own

You are extraordinary, you are a gift
You make hearts sing, and spirits lift
You are incredible, you are one of a kind
You are the most beautiful, in body and mind

I love you, for all that you are
I love you, for all you can be
I love you, for your compassion and wit
I love you, for all the love you’ve given me

Happy Birthday