L.i.f.e.

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I've posted.  The thought gives me a very bittersweet feeling, my life has been a roller coaster for the last ten months to say the least.  Just as a roller coaster ride there have been high and low points, each bringing me to a new place in life.

I sat on a fallen tree trunk as the pup ran for a distant tree line, continuing her squirrel hunt from our last visit to the park.  Being early spring the sun is still getting use to staying up late, giving me just the right amount of warmth I needed.  As I watched the pup run back and forth my mind drifted to another time...to this time last year.  Where was I?  Thinking harder now to fill what seemed to be a life time of memories ago, I couldn't believe how many differences there were.  Virtually nothing was the same besides where I lived but even that didn't carry the same meaning to me now.  Today, if you were to ask about my apartment, I would say that I love it and am never ever giving it up!  A year ago I wasn't completely happy with anything about the apartment the location and anything around it that I wasn't use to.  A new job that takes up most of my life, that I enjoy excelling at and hate laboring through all at the same time.  Talk about a double edge blade, there are many time a week I look around me and ask myself, what the eff I'm doing!  Because I moved, many friends that I was used to seeing based on distance became once a month phone calls if we were lucky.  Abundance of new friends were made, many a product of my new job and the amount of time I spend doing it.

 New life.  I've come leaps and bounds in differences in the last year and the result feels like a completely new life.  I'm excited that it's still a life I can be proud of but I haven't taken my eye off ambitions and goals I set for my self a year ago and may not have gotten to yet.  That makes me smile, I'm happy to know that with all that's taken over my daily living I still have a vision of where I will be one day.  What I'm going to do for myself...that's exciting.

Looking back at my writing I see so much emotion, there's been no lack of it in the past months just lack of energy to express it well.  Taking the time to get a handle on my new surroundings has given me that extra time to make those phone calls to say hi, take a moment to write and enjoy friends I've missed dearly.  So while every post isn't going to be a masterpiece it will be published and not sitting in draft form.  It is strange that I've forgotten how amazing it feels to write, it's a release to get it out of the constant cycle in my mind.  Perhaps I'll sleep more soundly tonight, I hope that the sweetest of dreams are waiting for each of you in your slumbers tonight.

-n

Dance

Meet by chance, keep walking.

Cordial talk, no second thought.

An offer made, an offer passed on.

Second offer made, sip and talk.

Still no second thought.

Humor passes, watch, listen, feel.

Intermission of separation, thoughts stir.

Curb, cheek to cheek, cab pulls away.

Line for a line, curiosity weaves through stars.

Rain, overted eyes, changed focus.

Sun, clever smiles with bittersweet parting.

Promises of company pulls, feet act on their own.

Navigate through the crowds, a complimenting team - nothing more.

Swirl in a glass, drama in a dress.

Tears flow, the peace maker is here.

Handy addition, shows value.

Evaluating eyes, dress and heels render powerless.

Verbatim speech tickles the tongue, touch the senses.

Perfect presentation, hidden protection.

Admiration flows into adoration like footsteps in the waves.

Dance, twirl, dip, spin, smile, blush, lead...follow.

Notice taken, doesn't stop an amazing sight.

Say goodnight, say hello - the door opens, the door closes.

Step out of body, into the moment.

Flash, blink, shivers crawl the spine.

Hunger grows, memories fade in the distance.

Walking on grass, organic growth swells.

Step up, lead the plan.

Own it...all.

Accept nothing less than everything.

Worship, melt, power, deep breath to land on two feet.

Flash forward, fear sets in.

Inner fight, strains to protect and maintain.

Confusion and sadness, translated through giving.

Moments of want, forced through unknown terrain.

Pieces hit the floor and shatter to every corner.

Tear stained pillow, painful embrace.

Aching for the past, take the needed steps, say the needed words.

Light speed thoughts warp to cold clarity.

Defend from disappointment so incredible.

Erie calm sets in, mellow like a tornado ski.

Not away, not with, not wanted, not taken, not idea.

Rolling ball stops, court undecided.

Next step taken, door still open.

Sting in every new step, a trail left behind.

Find the path back, collecting tiny glass pieces along the way.

Held together with tears, hope and determination.

Tinted red, the familiar color of passion held so dear.

Heart.

-n

Note

Words for words.  Does that heavy heart make you flinch?  Think about what you have or haven't done, guilt worming it's way into every part of your being...making you want to do one thing.  Make it right.  No, not in this instance.  You want that guilt to go away to a place you don't have to feel it any more because you know it will always...always be there.  Get it all off your chest and do what you feel is going to make is disappear, tell someone about those bad things you did, let them tell you it is ok and that you don't have to worry.  Try night after night to believe that what you have done is the right and best thing.

Then take comfort in the same fact I do.  You will never make that guilt go away because you project it on to yourself, in that very graceful, mature, beautiful, independent, spineless, hurtful, careless, insecure, pitiful way that you do.  My favorite part to the whole act is when you paint it into that piece, titled 'Victim'.  Must have taken long to think up that act, that game, that farce, you feel so necessary to play for everyone.

Stage lights up and watch you dance.  Keeps you out of trouble every time.

Kindred spirits a term you loved to use, meaningless like most of what come out of your mouth.  While you stay there in that place adding more and more paint to a canvas that has turned mellow and mixed with so many colors.  I write this and exhale to what I thought but now am for sure I do not have a need for.

You can let go of your plan to use me as your out.  You found a door long ago because unlike many in your life I never wanted you locked up but maybe that is what you crave.  Do not use me to justify what you know is wrong and indecent.

I held you dear, loved you as my closest, protected that which you held dear, supported your daily whim, gave you loyalty, hugged you when you felt un-huggable.  Not without asking for something in return, in this you are correct.  I wanted a friend, I didn't need you as a friend and I suppose that is the point.

Today, just like all the days past.  I do not need you in my life, especially if you don't want to be.  This was an un-needed refresher course in what trust and loyalty should not look like.  Thank you for so much more than I put in this note and all the things credited to you.

-n

Blink

Getting caught up is a part of life in a good and bad way.  Being completely floored about a project and job that you love with a passion - not everyone gets to do that in a lifetime.  When you've spent years of your life working on a project or pursuing that next great position...where are you when life has passed you by.  You didn't stop to tell that girl you loved her, to adopt that dog you fostered, stay a little longer in that place you really enjoyed.  All instances you would try to avoid in order to keep the your eye on the prize.

What is the prize?

I get it everyone has a different idea of what their working for, what holds value for them.  To each his own...truly.  But in the blink of an eye that is life, could be what you were hoping for, could be the opposite.  One thing that is always the same there is a beginning and end, what you did in the middle are the moments you live in.  While ambitions, drive and goals are of high value.  It is very easy, very real to end it all and realize that much of your journey was spent alone, not including the wild twenties or the random tryst here and there.  That to me is worth taking a step back to look at all that you're working for and deciding where the balance is, what makes the balance, is there balance?
Lend yourself to someone and create something, there is no joy in thriving alone.

-n